And what about your own needs?
There are many tasks in a relationship. These include the household, raising the children and your own wishes and needs. To ensure that everyone in the family is happy, it is important to distribute the tasks well. At PaarGespräch, we have made it our mission to work with you on how you can share these tasks fairly. Our therapeutic basis for this is the so-called “differentiation-based” approach:
What is differentiation-based couples therapy?
Differentiation-based couples therapy helps couples to remain strong as individuals while they are in a relationship . This means that each partner is allowed to keep their own wants and needs, but is still there for the relationship and the family. It is about the balance between I and We.
Couples learn how to distribute roles and tasks in such a way that each can fulfill their own needs without neglecting the other.
The little ones – raising children as a mega construction site
When couples have children, life changes completely. The question of who takes care of the children becomes important. Traditionally, mothers took more care of the children, but today many couples want to share this task. At PaarGespräch, we emphasize that it is important for both partners to be involved in raising the children. This way, no one feels overwhelmed and the children experience both parents as equal caregivers. It is very important that each parent can contribute their own strengths and skills to the upbringing !
Here are some specific tips:
Regular conversations: Sit down together regularly and discuss how things are going with raising the children. Are there areas where one of you is taking on too much? Who can provide more support with certain tasks, such as homework, sports or leisure activities?
Clear responsibilities: Divide up certain tasks. For example, one of you can take the children to school and the other can pick them up. If you have clear responsibilities, everyone knows what needs to be done.
Daily or weekly schedule: Draw up a plan in which you write down who is doing what task and when, e.g. bath time, homework supervision or doctor’s appointments. This helps to avoid misunderstandings.
Split parental leave: Even in difficult situations such as illness or bedtime, it is important that both parents are involved. Agree on how you can take turns to avoid overwork.
Pay attention to each other: Pay attention to whether one of you feels overloaded. If this is the case, discuss together how the other can help out.
The little bit of household
Household chores are another important point in any relationship. Who does the laundry? Who makes the meals? These questions can lead to conflict if they are not discussed.
PaarGespräch helps couples to divide tasks fairly without one of the partners feeling disadvantaged. It’s not just about splitting the work 50/50, but also about ensuring that the roles are flexible. For example, one partner can do more around the house one day because the other has had a stressful day. It’s important to talk about expectations of each other and make sure everyone can express their needs.
Concrete tips:
Joint planning: Make a list of all household tasks (e.g. cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry). Discuss who can take on which task based on your strengths and preferences. If one of you prefers to cook, you might take over the kitchen more often, while the other takes care of the bathroom. Anything is ok as long as it’s ok for both of you!
Flexible distribution of tasks: Be flexible if one of you can do more or less. If one of you has had a stressful day, the other can take on more household chores and vice versa. It is important that you remain open to change.
Use technology: Use apps or simple calendars to record tasks. This can help you keep an overview and organize the distribution of tasks fairly.
Set cleaning and tidying days: You can set fixed days per week or month on which you do the housework together. This way, the work is shared and no one feels solely responsible.
Step in when needed: If one of you is unable to complete a task, it is important that the other person steps in without discussion. This support strengthens the sense of togetherness.
Attention: Don’t forget your own needs
It often happens in a relationship that the partners focus so much on everyday life, the household and the children that they forget their own needs. At Paargespräch, we emphasize how important it is that everyone has time for themselves. Both partners should be allowed to make space for their own hobbies and interests. This is the only way to keep the relationship healthy and both partners happy.
Differentiation-based couples therapy teaches each partner how to remain true to themselves without hurting the other. It is important to create space for each other without one partner feeling neglected. Both partners should support each other in pursuing their own dreams.
Concrete tips:
Create free space: Both partners should consciously take time for themselves. This could mean, for example, that one of them goes to the gym alone for a few hours at the weekend or pursues a hobby while the other looks after the children.
Schedule personal time: Determine when each of you has time for yourselves. Write these times in a shared calendar to avoid misunderstandings. If everyone knows when the other person needs time for themselves, this can avoid stress.
Support in realizing goals: If one of you is pursuing personal goals, such as further training or a new hobby, support each other. The other can then take on additional tasks for this time so that everyone can develop further.
Communicate about needs: Talk openly about what you need. Whether it’s more time for yourselves or more time together – only if you share your wishes can you find solutions that work for both of you.
Schedule couple time: In addition to your own time, you should also plan time as a couple. Deliberately do something together, without the children or other distractions, to strengthen your bond with each other.
Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?
Then get the app now and start today!
All the best from your PaarGespräch team
