PaarGespräch

Tag: values_and_life_goals

  • The “Want Match”

    An example from leadership psychology.

    The “Want Match” is a psychological concept used in the management and motivation of employees. The concept was developed by Mark Murphy, a well-known expert in leadership and motivation. It refers to matching people’s own personal wants and needs with their professional tasks and goals. When a “want match” is achieved, employees are happier, more motivated and more productive because they feel that their personal and professional desires are in harmony.

    Imagine an employee who would like to take on more responsibility because he or she wants to develop further and make a career. If the manager recognizes this and offers the employee a managerial position, a “want match” is created. Employees feel understood and valued, and their motivation increases.

    However, if there is no “want match”, e.g. if the employee is stuck in a position that does not match their wishes, this can lead to dissatisfaction and lower performance. The concept therefore emphasizes the importance of matching personal wishes with professional opportunities.

    The concept of Want Match can be easily transferred to the world of relationships, as relationships are also about matching the wishes and needs of both partners:

    If we want to be happy in our relationships, it is important to find out what each partner wants from the relationship and how and whether these are compatible. A “want match” in a partnership means that the expectations, needs and goals of both partners are in harmony or can at least be coordinated.

    Example of a Want Match:

    Let’s assume that one partner wants more emotional closeness and togetherness, while the other values more independence. A “want match” would be possible if both partners express these wishes and find a way to integrate both into the relationship – for example, by planning fixed times for togetherness, while each partner also has space for individual freedom.

    Why is this important?

    A lack of agreement on wishes and needs inevitably leads to conflict. If partners have different ideas about love, affection or common goals, this can lead to frustration, misunderstandings and even alienation.

    Your steps to the “Want Match”:

    1. open communication: Both partners must express their wishes and needs clearly so that the other can understand them.

    2. understanding and willingness to compromise: A “want match” often does not happen automatically. Sometimes compromises have to be found so that both partners get what they need.

    3. realistic expectations: In couples coaching or therapy, we often work on questioning unrealistic wishes and setting realistic goals that can be fulfilled in the relationship.

    Through this work, couples can achieve better harmony and satisfaction in their relationship, similar to how the “Want Match” concept increases satisfaction and motivation in a professional context.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

  • Roles, duties and budget…

    And what about your own needs?

    There are many tasks in a relationship. These include the household, raising the children and your own wishes and needs. To ensure that everyone in the family is happy, it is important to distribute the tasks well. At PaarGespräch, we have made it our mission to work with you on how you can share these tasks fairly. Our therapeutic basis for this is the so-called “differentiation-based” approach:

    What is differentiation-based couples therapy?

    Differentiation-based couples therapy helps couples to remain strong as individuals while they are in a relationship . This means that each partner is allowed to keep their own wants and needs, but is still there for the relationship and the family. It is about the balance between I and We.

    Couples learn how to distribute roles and tasks in such a way that each can fulfill their own needs without neglecting the other.

    The little ones – raising children as a mega construction site

    When couples have children, life changes completely. The question of who takes care of the children becomes important. Traditionally, mothers took more care of the children, but today many couples want to share this task. At PaarGespräch, we emphasize that it is important for both partners to be involved in raising the children. This way, no one feels overwhelmed and the children experience both parents as equal caregivers. It is very important that each parent can contribute their own strengths and skills to the upbringing !

    Here are some specific tips:

    Regular conversations: Sit down together regularly and discuss how things are going with raising the children. Are there areas where one of you is taking on too much? Who can provide more support with certain tasks, such as homework, sports or leisure activities?

    Clear responsibilities: Divide up certain tasks. For example, one of you can take the children to school and the other can pick them up. If you have clear responsibilities, everyone knows what needs to be done.

    Daily or weekly schedule: Draw up a plan in which you write down who is doing what task and when, e.g. bath time, homework supervision or doctor’s appointments. This helps to avoid misunderstandings.

    Split parental leave: Even in difficult situations such as illness or bedtime, it is important that both parents are involved. Agree on how you can take turns to avoid overwork.

    Pay attention to each other: Pay attention to whether one of you feels overloaded. If this is the case, discuss together how the other can help out.

    The little bit of household

    Household chores are another important point in any relationship. Who does the laundry? Who makes the meals? These questions can lead to conflict if they are not discussed.

    PaarGespräch helps couples to divide tasks fairly without one of the partners feeling disadvantaged. It’s not just about splitting the work 50/50, but also about ensuring that the roles are flexible. For example, one partner can do more around the house one day because the other has had a stressful day. It’s important to talk about expectations of each other and make sure everyone can express their needs.

    Concrete tips:

    Joint planning: Make a list of all household tasks (e.g. cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry). Discuss who can take on which task based on your strengths and preferences. If one of you prefers to cook, you might take over the kitchen more often, while the other takes care of the bathroom. Anything is ok as long as it’s ok for both of you!

    Flexible distribution of tasks: Be flexible if one of you can do more or less. If one of you has had a stressful day, the other can take on more household chores and vice versa. It is important that you remain open to change.

    Use technology: Use apps or simple calendars to record tasks. This can help you keep an overview and organize the distribution of tasks fairly.

    Set cleaning and tidying days: You can set fixed days per week or month on which you do the housework together. This way, the work is shared and no one feels solely responsible.

    Step in when needed: If one of you is unable to complete a task, it is important that the other person steps in without discussion. This support strengthens the sense of togetherness.

    Attention: Don’t forget your own needs

    It often happens in a relationship that the partners focus so much on everyday life, the household and the children that they forget their own needs. At Paargespräch, we emphasize how important it is that everyone has time for themselves. Both partners should be allowed to make space for their own hobbies and interests. This is the only way to keep the relationship healthy and both partners happy.

    Differentiation-based couples therapy teaches each partner how to remain true to themselves without hurting the other. It is important to create space for each other without one partner feeling neglected. Both partners should support each other in pursuing their own dreams.

    Concrete tips:

    Create free space: Both partners should consciously take time for themselves. This could mean, for example, that one of them goes to the gym alone for a few hours at the weekend or pursues a hobby while the other looks after the children.

    Schedule personal time: Determine when each of you has time for yourselves. Write these times in a shared calendar to avoid misunderstandings. If everyone knows when the other person needs time for themselves, this can avoid stress.

    Support in realizing goals: If one of you is pursuing personal goals, such as further training or a new hobby, support each other. The other can then take on additional tasks for this time so that everyone can develop further.

    Communicate about needs: Talk openly about what you need. Whether it’s more time for yourselves or more time together – only if you share your wishes can you find solutions that work for both of you.

    Schedule couple time: In addition to your own time, you should also plan time as a couple. Deliberately do something together, without the children or other distractions, to strengthen your bond with each other.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Long-term relationships and self-realization

    How relationships change and why personal goals are important.

    A long-term relationship can be very beautiful and fulfilling. But over time, both the relationship and the people in it change. An important aspect of being happy in a long-term relationship is the balance between the relationship and self-fulfillment. But why is this so important? And how does a relationship develop over time?

    Why is self-fulfillment important in a long-term relationship?

    Self-realization means that each person can pursue their own goals and dreams. In a good relationship, it is important that both partners not only feel comfortable in the relationship, but can also develop as individuals. If one of you feels like you have to give yourself up for the relationship, this can lead to dissatisfaction.

    self-realization of the partners:

    Personal happiness: Each of you has your own goals and dreams. When these are fulfilled, you are happier and more satisfied – and this has a positive effect on the relationship.

    A breath of fresh air for the relationship: When both partners pursue their interests, they constantly bring new ideas and experiences into the relationship. This makes your partnership exciting. Couples often experience a high time, especially sexually, when both are allowed to pursue their own goals.

    Maintain balance: If each of you keeps your own identity, the relationship remains in balance. Neither of you becomes emotionally or practically dependent on the other.

    Long-term happiness: A relationship in which both partners can realize themselves has a better chance of remaining happy for a long time.

    How do long-term relationships generally develop?

    Long-term relationships change over time. There are different phases that you go through together. In each phase, there are changes that strengthen and adapt the relationship.

    1. the infatuation phase: It all starts with romance. You are excited to discover each other and everything feels intense. In this phase, you are often completely focused on each other.

    2 Everyday life and routine: No matter how stormy the beginning was, everyday life becomes more important over time. This shows how you master everyday life together without losing closeness and affection. Self-realization is also important here. If each of you has time for your own interests, this will strengthen your relationship.

    3. reality check and first crises: After a while, you realize that the other person is not perfect. Conflicts may arise between your handbook of the other person and your own basic assumptions and needs. Now it is important to talk to each other and solve problems together. This is the time when CoupleTalk can enter your lives 🙂

    4. growth and change: Over the years, you will grow together and perhaps experience big changes, such as changing jobs, having children, moving house or getting older. It is important that you support each other through this and at the same time leave room for your own development.

    5. rediscovery: In later phases, you can rediscover each other. After many years, you know exactly what the other person needs and appreciates. Now the relationship is deep and familiar.

    How can you balance self-realization and relationships?

    It’s not always easy to find the right balance between your relationship and your self-fulfillment. Here are a few tips that can help you:

    1. talk openly: Talk regularly about your dreams, wishes and goals. For example, do the relationship wheel regularly. This way you avoid misunderstandings and can support each other.

    2. goals for you as a couple and as individuals: It is important to have common goals, but also to pursue your own goals. Both need space in your lives.

    3. time for yourself: Each of you should make time to pursue your own interests. This could be a hobby, further training or simply time for yourself.

    4. support each other: show interest in each other’s goals and help each other to achieve them. If you support each other, you can grow together.

    5 Stay flexible: Over time, your needs may change. Be open to change and adapt to new situations as a couple.

    Conclusion

    Long-term relationships are special because they can offer deep love and a strong connection. But they also require work and adjustment. Self-realization is very important to stay happy. If each of you can go your own way and have a strong relationship at the same time, your partnership will remain vibrant and fulfilling. A healthy long-term relationship is a balance of personal growth and life together – and that’s what makes it so beautiful.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • People pleasing

    People Pleasing – Why it harms us to want to please everyone

    People pleasing is a term that describes when someone wants to please everyone. Such people try to fulfill the expectations of others without paying attention to their own needs. They often say “yes” even when they actually mean “no”. At first glance, this seems nice and considerate. But in the long run, this behavior can be unhealthy.

    What is behind People Pleasing?

    There are often deeper fears behind the desire to please everyone. Many people pleasers are afraid of rejection or conflict. They want to be loved and recognized and believe that they can only achieve this if they are always friendly and don’t cause any trouble.

    This behavior can be learned as early as childhood. If we only received praise as children when we were well-behaved and conformed, this pattern can continue into adulthood.

    The consequences of people pleasing

    If we are constantly trying to fulfill the expectations of others, our own needs fall by the wayside.

    This often leads to people pleasers being exhausted or feeling emotionally drained. They do a lot for others, but often don’t get the same recognition in return. In the long term, this can lead to frustration and even depression.

    Another problem is that people pleasers are often not authentic. They pretend to please others and suppress their own desires and opinions. As a result, they feel empty inside or have the feeling that they are not themselves.

    How to recognize people pleasing

    People who often “people please” show typical behaviors:

    1. they say yes to everything – even if they don’t have the time or inclination.

    2. they are afraid of conflict and avoid any confrontation.

    3. they are constantly looking for confirmation and feel bad when they don’t get any.

    4. they put the needs of others before their own and feel guilty when they think about themselves.

    How can you break out of the pattern?

    The first step to overcoming people pleasing is to recognize it in the first place. Many people don’t even realize that they have this pattern because it is completely normal for them. Basically, we should all realize that it’s okay to reject something.

    It is important that we know and respect our own limits. This does not mean that we suddenly become selfish, but that we learn to take good care of ourselves.

    Here are a few tips on how to let go of people pleasing:

    1. set clear boundaries: Think about what you really want and learn to say “no” kindly but firmly.

    2. practise self-care: make sure that you regularly take time for yourself and do things that are good for you.

    3. accept that you can’t please everyone: It’s impossible to please everyone, and that’s okay. You are not responsible for the happiness of others.

    4. learn to deal with conflict: Conflicts are a part of life and it is important not to be afraid of them. They often even lead to better communication and more understanding.

    Conclusion

    People pleasing may seem like a friendly trait at first glance, but in the long run it harms us.

    It is important that we learn to recognize our own needs and not constantly orient ourselves to the expectations of others.

    A healthy level of self-care and setting boundaries helps us to lead a fulfilled and authentic life.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Beliefs and their origins

    – How they shape our lives and how we can change them

    Beliefs are deeply rooted convictions that we develop in the course of our lives. They influence how we see ourselves and the world around us. You could also say that they are the operating system of our brain; therapists also refer to them as basic assumptions, which form the basis of all our thought constructs like a “thought foundation” .

    Beliefs can support us – or stand in our way. Negative and dysfunctional beliefs in particular have a major influence on our self-image and our relationships.

    Source: flickr.com/ Dennis Skley

    What are beliefs and how do they arise?

    Beliefs are usually formed in childhood and adolescence. They are formed through our experiences, i.e. what our parents, teachers or friends tell us, and through the way we interact with the world. A simple example of a positive belief would be: “I am valuable.” A negative belief could be: “I am not good enough.”

    Our beliefs act like a pair of glasses through which we view the world. For example, if we have internalized the belief “I will always fail”, we will have exactly this expectation in many situations – even if the reality is completely different. Such beliefs can block us and cause us to sabotage ourselves.

    Negative and dysfunctional beliefs

    Dysfunctional beliefs are convictions that limit us in our lives. They can arise from traumatic experiences, criticism or repeated failures. Examples of such beliefs are

    – “I am not worthy of being loved.”

    – “I will always fail.”

    – “Other people are not trustworthy.”

    These beliefs often lead to negative feelings such as fear, guilt or shame. They prevent us from taking on new challenges or having fulfilling relationships.

    How to change beliefs

    Recognizing and changing dysfunctional beliefs is a central component of many therapeutic approaches, such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is about identifying our negative thought patterns and replacing them with positive, more realistic beliefs.

    The first step is to become aware of your beliefs. They are often so deeply rooted in us that we no longer question them. One question you can ask yourself is: “What do I believe about myself in this situation?”

    Once a belief has been identified, it helps to question it. Is it really true that I “always fail”? Can’t I also find situations in which I was successful? By asking ourselves these questions, we loosen the power that these beliefs have over us.

    Exercise for couples: recognizing beliefs in the relationship

    Beliefs play a major role in our relationships. They influence how we perceive and communicate with each other. Based on our operating system, we create a kind of manual for how we see and evaluate ourselves and our partner in relationships.

    The following exercise will help you explore your beliefs and share your common convictions:

    Step 1: Each partner sits down in a quiet place and writes down two or three beliefs they have about relationships in general or about their own partnership. Examples could be:

    – “If I open up, I get hurt.”

    – “My partner should always know how I’m doing without me having to tell them.”

    Step 2: Talk about these beliefs. Make sure you listen without judging. Ask each other: “Where does this belief come from? What could be the origin?”

    Step 3: Consider together whether these beliefs are good for the relationship or whether they are perhaps a hindrance. Are there any beliefs that you would like to change together?

    Step 4: Develop positive, supportive beliefs that you would like to adopt as a couple. Examples could be:

    – “We can both be vulnerable and talk about it.”

    – “I can trust my partner and ask him openly for support.”

    This exercise helps couples to delve deeper into their relationship dynamics and develop beliefs that strengthen trust and closeness.

    Conclusion

    Beliefs shape our lives in many different ways. Dysfunctional beliefs in particular can have a negative impact on our well-being and relationships. However, through conscious reflection and with the help of therapeutic techniques, we can change these beliefs and lead a more fulfilling life. This exercise for couples shows how beliefs also play a role in relationships – and how we can change them for the better together.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team