PaarGespräch

Tag: trust

  • Relationships are diverse!

    And that’s a good thing 🙂

    There are many different ways in which people structure their relationships. The important thing is that both partners are happy and decide together what works best for them. In this article, we explain the most important types of relationship and why they all have their place.

    Monogamous relationship

    A monogamous relationship means that two people are together and only have a romantic or sexual relationship with this partner. This is the most common form of relationship in many parts of the world. The (usually idealized) idea behind it is that both partners give enough to each other and do not need other relationships.

    Sequential monogamy

    Sequential monogamy means that someone only has one partner at a time, but enters into several relationships in succession over the course of their life. This form of monogamy is very common in Western cultures. People are in a committed relationship for a while and when it ends, they start a new relationship with someone else. The new relationship often replaces the existing one, and infidelity and affairs are also common in monogamous cultures: on average, worldwide studies show that around 20-25% of people in monogamous relationships cheat at least once in the course of their lives.

    Some surveys and studies also give higher figures:

    – In men, the rate is often around 20-30%, while in women it is around 15-25%.

    – The differences between the sexes have become smaller in recent years, as women increasingly have similar figures to men.

    (Note: It is important to note that the actual rate may vary depending on the definition of “cheating” (emotional cheating, online affairs, physical affairs, etc.) and the willingness of respondents to answer honestly)

    The reasons for this are manifold and have already been looked at from an evolutionary-biological perspective in recent articles, for example. If you have any further questions, please contact your AI therapist at PaarGespräch!

    Open relationship

    In an open relationship, the partners are together in a relationship that is prioritized by both parties, but they have the freedom – depending on their mutual agreement – to also have romantic or sexual relationships with other people: So they go on dates together, to the swingers club or allow themselves the freedom to have individual trysts with people outside the relationship. It is important that both partners agree on this and set clear rules. Trust and open communication are very important here so that no misunderstandings arise.

    Polyamorous relationship

    In a polyamorous relationship, people have more than one romantic and/or sexual relationship at the same time. Unlike in an open relationship, all partners are emotionally connected and the relationships often have equal importance in the lives of the partners. Polyamory means that someone can love several people at the same time and that all the people involved know about it and agree. Here too, trust and communication are crucial.

    Is there a “right” kind of relationship?

    There is no “right” or “wrong” type of relationship. What works for some does not necessarily work for everyone. Some people feel most comfortable in a monogamous relationship, others prefer an open relationship or polyamory. Sequential monogamy shows that many people have several relationships over the course of their lives, but are still faithful to one partner at a time. It is important that both partners feel comfortable in their relationship and talk openly with each other.

    PaarGespräch’s position on this topic:

    PaarGespräch stands for the absolute openness to try out and accept different forms of relationships. Every relationship is unique and it is important that people find what works for them. Whether monogamous, open, polyamorous or sequentially monogamous – all forms of relationship have their place as long as respect, love and honesty are at the forefront.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best, your team from PaarGespräch

  • Our brain and the long-term monogamous relationship

    About biology, monogamy and much more

    Many people wonder why we often enter into monogamous relationships. Why do many couples stay together for many years? There are both biological and social reasons for this.

    What happens in the brain?

    When we are with someone for a long time, our brain releases hormones that help us to form a deep bond. The most important hormones here are oxytocin and vasopressin. These are often referred to as ‘bonding hormones’.

    – Oxytocin: Also known as the “cuddle hormone” 🙂 This hormone is often released when we are physically or emotionally close to our partner – for example when cuddling or during a nice conversation. It gives us a feeling of security and trust.

    – Vasopressin: This hormone helps us to build a long-term bond. It reinforces the feeling that we belong to someone.

    In Mark Manson’s book Everything is Fcked: A Book About Hope*, he talks about how our minds are constantly searching for meaning and hope. Relationships, especially long-term ones, often give us this kind of stability and purpose in life. They offer us emotional security.

    What happens in the brain at the beginning of a relationship
    – or even an affair?

    Things are different at the beginning of a new relationship or in an affair. Other hormones play a greater role here, especially dopamine.

    – Dopamine: This hormone creates a strong feeling of excitement and happiness. It is often referred to as the ‘reward hormone’ because it gives us the feeling that something new or exciting is happening. When we are newly in love or having an affair, our brain releases a lot of dopamine. This is the reason why new relationships often seem so exciting and intense.

    The hormone adrenaline also plays a role. It makes us alert and makes our heart beat faster when we are excited or take a risk. In an affair, which is often secret, this thrill can be particularly strong.

    Why do infidelities occur?

    Simply put, some people have affairs or infidelities because they want to feel that sense of excitement and high from dopamine. In long-term relationships, where oxytocin and vasopressin dominate, this feeling of excitement and passion will naturally diminish. The relationship feels safe and familiar, but not as exciting as it was in the beginning.

    In a new relationship with an unknown person, people experience the same “thrill” again that they had at the beginning of a relationship. An affair can bring back this feeling of adventure because the brain releases a lot of dopamine again. But this feeling is often only temporary.

    What does evolution have to say about this?

    Some scientists say that monogamy is not necessarily “natural” for humans. In the book Sex – The True Story by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha, it is explained that our early ancestors probably lived in groups where there were multiple sexual partners. This theory calls into question whether we are biologically “programmed” for monogamy.

    But this does not mean that monogamy is “wrong” per se. Female Choice explains that women’s sexual choices and behavior have played an important role in evolution. Women often make conscious decisions about who to procreate with based on what works best for them and their family. Monogamous relationships can therefore be a strategy to ensure that their offspring are well cared for.

    Conclusion

    Although our brains help us to form close bonds and monogamy can give us security, it is important to understand the diversity of human relationships. People are constantly evolving – both biologically and emotionally. It is important that couples talk about this and find ways together to maintain passion and closeness in long-term relationships. This will not always be the case automatically. What you find out together with your partner with PaarGespräch will be your individual relationship model: Relationships are different and what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for everyone.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Trust – but real trust!

    Trust and pseudo-trust: What’s the difference?

    Trust is an important part of our lives. Without trust, relationships and communities cannot function well. But not everything that looks like trust is real trust. Sometimes we deceive ourselves and think we trust, when in reality it’s just “pseudo-trust”. In this article, we take a closer look at what real trust is and what it is not. We refer to two well-known experts: Esther Perel and Rachel Botsman.

    What is trust?

    Trust means that we can rely on someone. It means that we believe the other person will not deliberately hurt or disappoint us. Trust is therefore something very valuable and fragile. Once destroyed, it takes a lot of energy to rebuild it.

    Couples therapist Esther Perel speaks of “first trust”. We often acquire this first trust in childhood when we rely on our parents or caregivers. This trust is the basis for being able to trust other people later on. The German term for this is “Urvertrauen”. This original trust shapes our entire life. Basically, this is a wonderful thing and is the basis for healthy basic assumptions such as “I can rely on others”.

    However, the concept of first trust always presents us with a problem when our partner behaves in a hurtful way. This is when many a relationship partner hits rock bottom.

    What is pseudo-trust?

    The trust we have is not always genuine trust. Sometimes we live our relationships in so-called “pseudo-trust”. We think we trust someone, but in reality we do not. Instead, we assume that the person we are in a relationship with will NEVER hurt us. The psychological background to this may be that we don’t actually feel safe, but simply pretend that everything is fine. Pseudo-trust can arise because we want to avoid conflict or are afraid of being hurt. Esther Perel describes: ” In relationships, trust isn’t a promise to never hurt each other. It’s the risk that we will hurt each other and the confidence that, if we do, we will come together to heal.” This can be translated roughly as follows: “(Genuine) Trust in a relationship does not mean that you promise never to hurt the other person. Rather, it is about being aware that you could hurt each other, but trusting that you will then work together to heal the wounds. ” You can find out exactly what Esther Perel describes here below:

    Trust expert Rachel Botsman has developed an interesting concept for this. She says that real trust consists of small “moments of trust”. This means that real trust is not something that is there all at once and then stays. Rather, it is built up in small steps. Whenever someone shows us that we can trust them, our trust grows. Rachel Botsman emphasizes that real trust is based on honesty and openness.

    The difference between trust and pseudo-trust

    The difference between trust and pseudo-trust lies in how honest and open we really are. With real trust, we feel safe because the other person shows us that they are honest. Pseudo-trust arises when we try to overlook problems or avoid conflicts.

    Trust means:

    – Honesty

    – Security

    – Openness

    means pseudo-trust:

    – Avoidance of conflicts

    – Uncertainty

    – Insincerity

    How can we build real trust?

    To build real trust, we must be willing to be honest, even if it is uncomfortable. It means admitting mistakes to ourselves and others and talking about our feelings. Trust grows when we show each other that we are reliable.

    Trust is not something that is simply there – it is built up step by step. If we repeatedly show each other in small moments that we can rely on each other, real trust grows.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Exercise The safe place

    An exercise for emotional support, especially for feelings of anxiety

    1. sit comfortably and close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths in and out of your belly. Relax one body: your legs, your arms, your face.

    2. imagine a place where you feel absolutely safe and comfortable. This can be a real place, like your favorite place in nature, or a fantasy place that you make up.

    3. think about how this place looks, smells, sounds and feels. Perhaps you hear birdsong, feel the warm sand under your feet or smell fresh flowers.

    4. stay in this imagination for a few minutes. Enjoy your safe place. Perhaps you can feel your body relaxing further.

    5. when you are ready, slowly open your eyes and come back to the here and now.

    If you like, record your safe place by drawing it or memorize a certain gesture that can remind you of your safe place.

    This exercise can help you to calm down again in stressful or frightening moments, because you always have your safe place with you.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Feel feelings exercise

    An exercise for perceiving and expressing current feelings

    This exercise helps you to feel and understand your feelings better again.

    1. sit down in a quiet place and close your eyes.

    2. take a few minutes to feel into your body. What are you feeling right now? Is there a warmth, a pressure or perhaps a tingling sensation?

    3. think about which feeling matches these physical sensations. Do you feel joy, fear, sadness or anger?

    4. simply notice the feeling without judging it. It’s okay to feel the way you feel right now. If you want, you can express the feeling in some way: You can paint it, make music, describe it. What color is the feeling? If it were an animal, what would it be?

    5. breathe in and out deeply and slowly let go of the feeling. You can imagine how you release it with your breath.

    This exercise helps you to become more aware of your feelings step by step and to accept them.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • The six basic feelings

    What they tell us and why they are important.

    Our emotions play a major role in our lives. They help us to understand the world around us and decide how we react to certain situations.

    There are six basic emotions that everyone knows: joy, sadness, fear, anger, disgust and surprise. These feelings have important functions and show us what is going on inside us. You may be familiar with the Disney movie “Everything is upside down”, which has become famous among therapists. It shows the interplay of emotions in a particularly vivid way. Maybe you’d like to watch it sometime, I really recommend it 🙂

    Sometimes, especially in phases of life with crises after difficult experiences or in extreme cases after so-called traumas, our feelings and their interplay can also get mixed up. This means that we either feel them very strongly or barely notice them. It is important to understand what each feeling means and how it can help us to deal with difficult situations better.

    The six basic emotions and their functions

    Similar to a color wheel, the basic feelings form the basic framework. All our emotional shades are mixed from them, so to speak. They are the ingredients of our emotional world 🙂

    1. joy

    Joy is the feeling that literally makes us happy. It shows us what is good for us and what we enjoy doing. When we feel joy, it is a sign that we are on the right path and that something good is happening in our lives. Related feelings: satisfaction, relief, pride, gratitude, curiosity, euphoria, ecstasy, a feeling of flow and much more. Last but not least, especially at the beginning of a relationship: infatuation 🙂 and in the course of love.

    2. sadness

    Sadness helps us to process losses. When we are sad, it shows that we are missing something that felt positive or someone (e.g. a person). Sadness gives us the opportunity to pause, reflect and say goodbye to things that are no longer there. Sadness should be processed in order to be able to say goodbye to it and take up life again. Related feelings: powerlessness, disappointment, loneliness, guilt, despair, nostalgia

    3. fear

    Fear is a protective feeling. It warns us of danger and helps us to be careful. Anxiety symptoms are often experienced as very intense, but are not dangerous even on a large scale. Many people who often experience anxiety also develop a so-called fear of anxiety. Sometimes anxiety is felt very intensely, especially if we have had traumatic experiences. In these cases, our body reacts as if there is an overwhelming danger, even though we are actually safe. Related feelings: apprehension, panic, insecurity, shame.

    4. anger

    Anger arises when we feel we have been treated unfairly or when something hurts us. It is a sure sign of a boundary violation and gives us the energy to defend ourselves or stand up for something that is important to us. If you often feel angry, you can deal with your social relationships and your own behavior or needs. Anger should not be pent up, but channeled. Related feelings: frustration, irritation, indignation, hatred

    5. disgust

    Disgust protects us from things that could harm us, such as spoiled food or dangerous situations. It helps us to stay healthy and keep us away from things that could harm us. However, disgust is also a strongly learned emotion that can be acquired. (e.g. aversion to spiders is often passed on from parents to children). This means that disgust also has a social component when certain groups avoid certain things. Related feelings: aversion, contempt, discomfort, disgust.

    6. shame

    Shame can tell us that we have done something wrong in a social context, for example that we have broken social rules. It also manifests itself when we think that other people might judge our own behavior or appearance negatively. It often leads to a desire to withdraw and hide. Related feelings: Embarrassment, embarrassment, guilt, self-doubt, humiliation, insecurity

    Emotions and traumatization

    After a traumatic experience, our emotions can become very confused. People who are traumatized experience often experience intense fear, anger or sadness. Sometimes they feel numb and hardly notice what is going on inside them. These reactions are normal, but it is important to find a way to deal safely with your feelings again. We will deal with the topic of traumatization in another article.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • “Kissing with open eyes” – an exercise for more closeness and intimacy

    Have you ever heard that kissing with your eyes open can be an exciting and intense experience? It may sound unusual at first, because most people automatically close their eyes when kissing.

    Does that sound interesting? Then read on and try it out for yourself!

    Why “kissing with open eyes”?

    David Schnarch is a well-known expert in couples therapy and researches how couples can grow closer together. One of the techniques he recommends is “kissing with your eyes open”. Why? Because it takes courage to look at the other person so directly and show vulnerability. This exercise is challenging because it is unfamiliar – but that is exactly what makes it so powerful.

    By looking into each other’s eyes when we kiss, we learn to be fully present in intimacy. We are not hiding, but really opening up to each other. It is a way of deepening the emotional connection and showing: “I am here, I see you and I let you see me.”

    The instructions: This is how it works!

    **Step 1: Find a quiet moment**

    Find a moment when you are both relaxed and have time for each other. Perhaps an evening for two where you can concentrate on each other. It’s important that you’re not stressed and that you feel comfortable.

    **Step 2: Stand opposite each other**

    Stand in front of your partner and stand comfortably. You can stand close to each other, but make sure that you can look each other in the eye.

    **Step 3: Connect through eye contact**

    Before you kiss, look deeply into each other’s eyes for a few seconds. It may feel a little unfamiliar or even strange at first, but try to embrace the moment. Allow the initial nervousness to dissipate.

    **Step 4: Start kissing each other – with your eyes open**

    Now comes the crucial moment: you start kissing, but keep your eyes open. Try to keep looking into each other’s eyes during the kiss. At first, you may feel the urge to close your eyes – this is completely normal. Notice it and make a conscious decision to keep your eyes open.

    **Step 5: Feel what happens**

    While you are kissing, consciously notice the feelings and thoughts that arise within you. Do you perhaps feel vulnerable or particularly connected

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • “The embrace until relaxation” according to David Schnarch

    The therapeutic exercise “The Embrace to Relaxation” comes from the well-known American psychologist and couples therapist David Schnarch. He developed this method to help couples build a deeper connection with each other and at the same time release emotional blockages. This exercise is simple to do, but has a deep psychological background and can have a powerful effect on the relationship.

    What is the hug to relaxation?

    The exercise itself is simple: a couple hugs each other until both partners relax completely. The embrace should be calm and mindful, without words or other distractions.
    In many relationships, it often happens that partners either seek too much closeness in emotional or stressful situations or withdraw in order to protect themselves. However, both behaviors prevent a deep emotional connection. Embracing to the point of relaxation is one method of correcting this imbalance.

    Why is this exercise effective?

    1. physical closeness without distraction: Most couples are often physically close, but rarely in such a conscious and focused way.

    2. overcoming fear and insecurity: By learning to endure tension instead of reacting immediately, both partners develop more emotional strength and self-confidence in the relationship. This exercise helps to reduce emotional dependency and take more responsibility for your own well-being.

    3. deeper bond: When both partners manage to relax together, the bond between them deepens. This creates a feeling of security and stability that also radiates to other aspects of the relationship.

    How it works:

    Both partners stand upright and hold each other without pressure, but firmly in their arms. The embrace lasts until both partners can relax physically and emotionally.

    Now observe: How are you standing? Are you leaning heavily on each other? What happens when one partner moves and changes position? Is everyone standing on their own with their feet firmly on the ground or are you leaning heavily on each other?

    Conclusion

    “The embrace to relaxation” is a simple but very effective exercise that helps couples to experience emotional and physical closeness in a deeper and more conscious way. It strengthens trust in the relationship and, through reflection, promotes a balance between individual autonomy and shared closeness.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team