PaarGespräch

Tag: tips

  • The “Want Match”

    An example from leadership psychology.

    The “Want Match” is a psychological concept used in the management and motivation of employees. The concept was developed by Mark Murphy, a well-known expert in leadership and motivation. It refers to matching people’s own personal wants and needs with their professional tasks and goals. When a “want match” is achieved, employees are happier, more motivated and more productive because they feel that their personal and professional desires are in harmony.

    Imagine an employee who would like to take on more responsibility because he or she wants to develop further and make a career. If the manager recognizes this and offers the employee a managerial position, a “want match” is created. Employees feel understood and valued, and their motivation increases.

    However, if there is no “want match”, e.g. if the employee is stuck in a position that does not match their wishes, this can lead to dissatisfaction and lower performance. The concept therefore emphasizes the importance of matching personal wishes with professional opportunities.

    The concept of Want Match can be easily transferred to the world of relationships, as relationships are also about matching the wishes and needs of both partners:

    If we want to be happy in our relationships, it is important to find out what each partner wants from the relationship and how and whether these are compatible. A “want match” in a partnership means that the expectations, needs and goals of both partners are in harmony or can at least be coordinated.

    Example of a Want Match:

    Let’s assume that one partner wants more emotional closeness and togetherness, while the other values more independence. A “want match” would be possible if both partners express these wishes and find a way to integrate both into the relationship – for example, by planning fixed times for togetherness, while each partner also has space for individual freedom.

    Why is this important?

    A lack of agreement on wishes and needs inevitably leads to conflict. If partners have different ideas about love, affection or common goals, this can lead to frustration, misunderstandings and even alienation.

    Your steps to the “Want Match”:

    1. open communication: Both partners must express their wishes and needs clearly so that the other can understand them.

    2. understanding and willingness to compromise: A “want match” often does not happen automatically. Sometimes compromises have to be found so that both partners get what they need.

    3. realistic expectations: In couples coaching or therapy, we often work on questioning unrealistic wishes and setting realistic goals that can be fulfilled in the relationship.

    Through this work, couples can achieve better harmony and satisfaction in their relationship, similar to how the “Want Match” concept increases satisfaction and motivation in a professional context.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

  • Our brain and the long-term monogamous relationship

    About biology, monogamy and much more

    Many people wonder why we often enter into monogamous relationships. Why do many couples stay together for many years? There are both biological and social reasons for this.

    What happens in the brain?

    When we are with someone for a long time, our brain releases hormones that help us to form a deep bond. The most important hormones here are oxytocin and vasopressin. These are often referred to as ‘bonding hormones’.

    – Oxytocin: Also known as the “cuddle hormone” 🙂 This hormone is often released when we are physically or emotionally close to our partner – for example when cuddling or during a nice conversation. It gives us a feeling of security and trust.

    – Vasopressin: This hormone helps us to build a long-term bond. It reinforces the feeling that we belong to someone.

    In Mark Manson’s book Everything is Fcked: A Book About Hope*, he talks about how our minds are constantly searching for meaning and hope. Relationships, especially long-term ones, often give us this kind of stability and purpose in life. They offer us emotional security.

    What happens in the brain at the beginning of a relationship
    – or even an affair?

    Things are different at the beginning of a new relationship or in an affair. Other hormones play a greater role here, especially dopamine.

    – Dopamine: This hormone creates a strong feeling of excitement and happiness. It is often referred to as the ‘reward hormone’ because it gives us the feeling that something new or exciting is happening. When we are newly in love or having an affair, our brain releases a lot of dopamine. This is the reason why new relationships often seem so exciting and intense.

    The hormone adrenaline also plays a role. It makes us alert and makes our heart beat faster when we are excited or take a risk. In an affair, which is often secret, this thrill can be particularly strong.

    Why do infidelities occur?

    Simply put, some people have affairs or infidelities because they want to feel that sense of excitement and high from dopamine. In long-term relationships, where oxytocin and vasopressin dominate, this feeling of excitement and passion will naturally diminish. The relationship feels safe and familiar, but not as exciting as it was in the beginning.

    In a new relationship with an unknown person, people experience the same “thrill” again that they had at the beginning of a relationship. An affair can bring back this feeling of adventure because the brain releases a lot of dopamine again. But this feeling is often only temporary.

    What does evolution have to say about this?

    Some scientists say that monogamy is not necessarily “natural” for humans. In the book Sex – The True Story by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha, it is explained that our early ancestors probably lived in groups where there were multiple sexual partners. This theory calls into question whether we are biologically “programmed” for monogamy.

    But this does not mean that monogamy is “wrong” per se. Female Choice explains that women’s sexual choices and behavior have played an important role in evolution. Women often make conscious decisions about who to procreate with based on what works best for them and their family. Monogamous relationships can therefore be a strategy to ensure that their offspring are well cared for.

    Conclusion

    Although our brains help us to form close bonds and monogamy can give us security, it is important to understand the diversity of human relationships. People are constantly evolving – both biologically and emotionally. It is important that couples talk about this and find ways together to maintain passion and closeness in long-term relationships. This will not always be the case automatically. What you find out together with your partner with PaarGespräch will be your individual relationship model: Relationships are different and what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for everyone.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Trust – but real trust!

    Trust and pseudo-trust: What’s the difference?

    Trust is an important part of our lives. Without trust, relationships and communities cannot function well. But not everything that looks like trust is real trust. Sometimes we deceive ourselves and think we trust, when in reality it’s just “pseudo-trust”. In this article, we take a closer look at what real trust is and what it is not. We refer to two well-known experts: Esther Perel and Rachel Botsman.

    What is trust?

    Trust means that we can rely on someone. It means that we believe the other person will not deliberately hurt or disappoint us. Trust is therefore something very valuable and fragile. Once destroyed, it takes a lot of energy to rebuild it.

    Couples therapist Esther Perel speaks of “first trust”. We often acquire this first trust in childhood when we rely on our parents or caregivers. This trust is the basis for being able to trust other people later on. The German term for this is “Urvertrauen”. This original trust shapes our entire life. Basically, this is a wonderful thing and is the basis for healthy basic assumptions such as “I can rely on others”.

    However, the concept of first trust always presents us with a problem when our partner behaves in a hurtful way. This is when many a relationship partner hits rock bottom.

    What is pseudo-trust?

    The trust we have is not always genuine trust. Sometimes we live our relationships in so-called “pseudo-trust”. We think we trust someone, but in reality we do not. Instead, we assume that the person we are in a relationship with will NEVER hurt us. The psychological background to this may be that we don’t actually feel safe, but simply pretend that everything is fine. Pseudo-trust can arise because we want to avoid conflict or are afraid of being hurt. Esther Perel describes: ” In relationships, trust isn’t a promise to never hurt each other. It’s the risk that we will hurt each other and the confidence that, if we do, we will come together to heal.” This can be translated roughly as follows: “(Genuine) Trust in a relationship does not mean that you promise never to hurt the other person. Rather, it is about being aware that you could hurt each other, but trusting that you will then work together to heal the wounds. ” You can find out exactly what Esther Perel describes here below:

    Trust expert Rachel Botsman has developed an interesting concept for this. She says that real trust consists of small “moments of trust”. This means that real trust is not something that is there all at once and then stays. Rather, it is built up in small steps. Whenever someone shows us that we can trust them, our trust grows. Rachel Botsman emphasizes that real trust is based on honesty and openness.

    The difference between trust and pseudo-trust

    The difference between trust and pseudo-trust lies in how honest and open we really are. With real trust, we feel safe because the other person shows us that they are honest. Pseudo-trust arises when we try to overlook problems or avoid conflicts.

    Trust means:

    – Honesty

    – Security

    – Openness

    means pseudo-trust:

    – Avoidance of conflicts

    – Uncertainty

    – Insincerity

    How can we build real trust?

    To build real trust, we must be willing to be honest, even if it is uncomfortable. It means admitting mistakes to ourselves and others and talking about our feelings. Trust grows when we show each other that we are reliable.

    Trust is not something that is simply there – it is built up step by step. If we repeatedly show each other in small moments that we can rely on each other, real trust grows.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Roles, duties and budget…

    And what about your own needs?

    There are many tasks in a relationship. These include the household, raising the children and your own wishes and needs. To ensure that everyone in the family is happy, it is important to distribute the tasks well. At PaarGespräch, we have made it our mission to work with you on how you can share these tasks fairly. Our therapeutic basis for this is the so-called “differentiation-based” approach:

    What is differentiation-based couples therapy?

    Differentiation-based couples therapy helps couples to remain strong as individuals while they are in a relationship . This means that each partner is allowed to keep their own wants and needs, but is still there for the relationship and the family. It is about the balance between I and We.

    Couples learn how to distribute roles and tasks in such a way that each can fulfill their own needs without neglecting the other.

    The little ones – raising children as a mega construction site

    When couples have children, life changes completely. The question of who takes care of the children becomes important. Traditionally, mothers took more care of the children, but today many couples want to share this task. At PaarGespräch, we emphasize that it is important for both partners to be involved in raising the children. This way, no one feels overwhelmed and the children experience both parents as equal caregivers. It is very important that each parent can contribute their own strengths and skills to the upbringing !

    Here are some specific tips:

    Regular conversations: Sit down together regularly and discuss how things are going with raising the children. Are there areas where one of you is taking on too much? Who can provide more support with certain tasks, such as homework, sports or leisure activities?

    Clear responsibilities: Divide up certain tasks. For example, one of you can take the children to school and the other can pick them up. If you have clear responsibilities, everyone knows what needs to be done.

    Daily or weekly schedule: Draw up a plan in which you write down who is doing what task and when, e.g. bath time, homework supervision or doctor’s appointments. This helps to avoid misunderstandings.

    Split parental leave: Even in difficult situations such as illness or bedtime, it is important that both parents are involved. Agree on how you can take turns to avoid overwork.

    Pay attention to each other: Pay attention to whether one of you feels overloaded. If this is the case, discuss together how the other can help out.

    The little bit of household

    Household chores are another important point in any relationship. Who does the laundry? Who makes the meals? These questions can lead to conflict if they are not discussed.

    PaarGespräch helps couples to divide tasks fairly without one of the partners feeling disadvantaged. It’s not just about splitting the work 50/50, but also about ensuring that the roles are flexible. For example, one partner can do more around the house one day because the other has had a stressful day. It’s important to talk about expectations of each other and make sure everyone can express their needs.

    Concrete tips:

    Joint planning: Make a list of all household tasks (e.g. cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry). Discuss who can take on which task based on your strengths and preferences. If one of you prefers to cook, you might take over the kitchen more often, while the other takes care of the bathroom. Anything is ok as long as it’s ok for both of you!

    Flexible distribution of tasks: Be flexible if one of you can do more or less. If one of you has had a stressful day, the other can take on more household chores and vice versa. It is important that you remain open to change.

    Use technology: Use apps or simple calendars to record tasks. This can help you keep an overview and organize the distribution of tasks fairly.

    Set cleaning and tidying days: You can set fixed days per week or month on which you do the housework together. This way, the work is shared and no one feels solely responsible.

    Step in when needed: If one of you is unable to complete a task, it is important that the other person steps in without discussion. This support strengthens the sense of togetherness.

    Attention: Don’t forget your own needs

    It often happens in a relationship that the partners focus so much on everyday life, the household and the children that they forget their own needs. At Paargespräch, we emphasize how important it is that everyone has time for themselves. Both partners should be allowed to make space for their own hobbies and interests. This is the only way to keep the relationship healthy and both partners happy.

    Differentiation-based couples therapy teaches each partner how to remain true to themselves without hurting the other. It is important to create space for each other without one partner feeling neglected. Both partners should support each other in pursuing their own dreams.

    Concrete tips:

    Create free space: Both partners should consciously take time for themselves. This could mean, for example, that one of them goes to the gym alone for a few hours at the weekend or pursues a hobby while the other looks after the children.

    Schedule personal time: Determine when each of you has time for yourselves. Write these times in a shared calendar to avoid misunderstandings. If everyone knows when the other person needs time for themselves, this can avoid stress.

    Support in realizing goals: If one of you is pursuing personal goals, such as further training or a new hobby, support each other. The other can then take on additional tasks for this time so that everyone can develop further.

    Communicate about needs: Talk openly about what you need. Whether it’s more time for yourselves or more time together – only if you share your wishes can you find solutions that work for both of you.

    Schedule couple time: In addition to your own time, you should also plan time as a couple. Deliberately do something together, without the children or other distractions, to strengthen your bond with each other.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Exercise The safe place

    An exercise for emotional support, especially for feelings of anxiety

    1. sit comfortably and close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths in and out of your belly. Relax one body: your legs, your arms, your face.

    2. imagine a place where you feel absolutely safe and comfortable. This can be a real place, like your favorite place in nature, or a fantasy place that you make up.

    3. think about how this place looks, smells, sounds and feels. Perhaps you hear birdsong, feel the warm sand under your feet or smell fresh flowers.

    4. stay in this imagination for a few minutes. Enjoy your safe place. Perhaps you can feel your body relaxing further.

    5. when you are ready, slowly open your eyes and come back to the here and now.

    If you like, record your safe place by drawing it or memorize a certain gesture that can remind you of your safe place.

    This exercise can help you to calm down again in stressful or frightening moments, because you always have your safe place with you.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • People pleasing

    People Pleasing – Why it harms us to want to please everyone

    People pleasing is a term that describes when someone wants to please everyone. Such people try to fulfill the expectations of others without paying attention to their own needs. They often say “yes” even when they actually mean “no”. At first glance, this seems nice and considerate. But in the long run, this behavior can be unhealthy.

    What is behind People Pleasing?

    There are often deeper fears behind the desire to please everyone. Many people pleasers are afraid of rejection or conflict. They want to be loved and recognized and believe that they can only achieve this if they are always friendly and don’t cause any trouble.

    This behavior can be learned as early as childhood. If we only received praise as children when we were well-behaved and conformed, this pattern can continue into adulthood.

    The consequences of people pleasing

    If we are constantly trying to fulfill the expectations of others, our own needs fall by the wayside.

    This often leads to people pleasers being exhausted or feeling emotionally drained. They do a lot for others, but often don’t get the same recognition in return. In the long term, this can lead to frustration and even depression.

    Another problem is that people pleasers are often not authentic. They pretend to please others and suppress their own desires and opinions. As a result, they feel empty inside or have the feeling that they are not themselves.

    How to recognize people pleasing

    People who often “people please” show typical behaviors:

    1. they say yes to everything – even if they don’t have the time or inclination.

    2. they are afraid of conflict and avoid any confrontation.

    3. they are constantly looking for confirmation and feel bad when they don’t get any.

    4. they put the needs of others before their own and feel guilty when they think about themselves.

    How can you break out of the pattern?

    The first step to overcoming people pleasing is to recognize it in the first place. Many people don’t even realize that they have this pattern because it is completely normal for them. Basically, we should all realize that it’s okay to reject something.

    It is important that we know and respect our own limits. This does not mean that we suddenly become selfish, but that we learn to take good care of ourselves.

    Here are a few tips on how to let go of people pleasing:

    1. set clear boundaries: Think about what you really want and learn to say “no” kindly but firmly.

    2. practise self-care: make sure that you regularly take time for yourself and do things that are good for you.

    3. accept that you can’t please everyone: It’s impossible to please everyone, and that’s okay. You are not responsible for the happiness of others.

    4. learn to deal with conflict: Conflicts are a part of life and it is important not to be afraid of them. They often even lead to better communication and more understanding.

    Conclusion

    People pleasing may seem like a friendly trait at first glance, but in the long run it harms us.

    It is important that we learn to recognize our own needs and not constantly orient ourselves to the expectations of others.

    A healthy level of self-care and setting boundaries helps us to lead a fulfilled and authentic life.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Imposter syndrome

    When we feel like a fraud

    Have you ever had the feeling that you don’t deserve your success? Or that you will “blow your cover” at some point because others realize that you are not as good as they think you are?

    It is precisely this feeling that describes the Imposter Syndrome. It means that people constantly feel that they are not good enough, despite their obvious successes and abilities. They feel like “imposters” who have not earned their success.

    The negative basic assumptions behind the Imposter Syndrome

    Imposter syndrome is often caused by deeply rooted negative beliefs about oneself. People with this syndrome often have thoughts such as:

    – “I’m not really as good as the others think I am.”

    – “I was just lucky.”

    – “At some point, they realize that I can’t do that much.”

    The role of emotions in Imposter syndrome

    These negative thoughts lead to strong emotions that can put a strain on everyday life:

    – Fear: The fear that others will find out the “truth” about their alleged inability.

    – Shame: They feel ashamed because they think they don’t deserve their success.

    – Stress: They are constantly trying to achieve even more in order to prove to others (and themselves) that they are good enough.

    The connection between Imposter Syndrome and self-esteem

    People who experience Impostor Syndrome often have low self-esteem. They measure their worth by what they achieve and how others see them. But self-worth should not depend on being perfect or meeting all expectations. Our value as a person is independent of external successes. If we strengthen our self-esteem, we can also overcome the negative thoughts of impostor syndrome.

    Tips and exercises to combat imposter syndrome

    1. recognize your successes:

    People with feelings of impostor often tend to minimize their successes. One exercise that can help is to keep a success diary. Write down every day what you have done well. This will help you to better recognize your abilities and achievements.

    2. talk about it:

    It can be very relieving to talk to someone about these feelings. Whether with friends, family or a coach – you often realize that you are not alone. Many successful people have similar doubts. It helps to realize that such thoughts are normal and have nothing to do with reality.

    3. question your negative thoughts:

    The next time you think you’re just lucky or not good enough, ask yourself: Is there any evidence for this? Or is there perhaps much more evidence that you are successful because of your skills? Realize that thoughts are often not true and that you can learn to give them less power.

    4. work on your self-esteem:

    A good exercise for more self-esteem is to say at least three things to yourself every day that you value about yourself – regardless of external successes. For example: “I am empathetic”, “I am a good listener” or “I am courageous”. These qualities make you valuable, not just what you achieve.

    Conclusion

    Imposter syndrome can make life difficult because it plunges us into constant self-doubt and anxiety. But it is important to understand that it has nothing to do with reality, but arises from low self-esteem. If we learn to recognize our successes, talk openly about our feelings and strengthen our self-esteem, we can gradually overcome Imposter Syndrome.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • “The embrace until relaxation” according to David Schnarch

    The therapeutic exercise “The Embrace to Relaxation” comes from the well-known American psychologist and couples therapist David Schnarch. He developed this method to help couples build a deeper connection with each other and at the same time release emotional blockages. This exercise is simple to do, but has a deep psychological background and can have a powerful effect on the relationship.

    What is the hug to relaxation?

    The exercise itself is simple: a couple hugs each other until both partners relax completely. The embrace should be calm and mindful, without words or other distractions.
    In many relationships, it often happens that partners either seek too much closeness in emotional or stressful situations or withdraw in order to protect themselves. However, both behaviors prevent a deep emotional connection. Embracing to the point of relaxation is one method of correcting this imbalance.

    Why is this exercise effective?

    1. physical closeness without distraction: Most couples are often physically close, but rarely in such a conscious and focused way.

    2. overcoming fear and insecurity: By learning to endure tension instead of reacting immediately, both partners develop more emotional strength and self-confidence in the relationship. This exercise helps to reduce emotional dependency and take more responsibility for your own well-being.

    3. deeper bond: When both partners manage to relax together, the bond between them deepens. This creates a feeling of security and stability that also radiates to other aspects of the relationship.

    How it works:

    Both partners stand upright and hold each other without pressure, but firmly in their arms. The embrace lasts until both partners can relax physically and emotionally.

    Now observe: How are you standing? Are you leaning heavily on each other? What happens when one partner moves and changes position? Is everyone standing on their own with their feet firmly on the ground or are you leaning heavily on each other?

    Conclusion

    “The embrace to relaxation” is a simple but very effective exercise that helps couples to experience emotional and physical closeness in a deeper and more conscious way. It strengthens trust in the relationship and, through reflection, promotes a balance between individual autonomy and shared closeness.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team