PaarGespräch

Tag: Self-care

  • The “Want Match”

    An example from leadership psychology.

    The “Want Match” is a psychological concept used in the management and motivation of employees. The concept was developed by Mark Murphy, a well-known expert in leadership and motivation. It refers to matching people’s own personal wants and needs with their professional tasks and goals. When a “want match” is achieved, employees are happier, more motivated and more productive because they feel that their personal and professional desires are in harmony.

    Imagine an employee who would like to take on more responsibility because he or she wants to develop further and make a career. If the manager recognizes this and offers the employee a managerial position, a “want match” is created. Employees feel understood and valued, and their motivation increases.

    However, if there is no “want match”, e.g. if the employee is stuck in a position that does not match their wishes, this can lead to dissatisfaction and lower performance. The concept therefore emphasizes the importance of matching personal wishes with professional opportunities.

    The concept of Want Match can be easily transferred to the world of relationships, as relationships are also about matching the wishes and needs of both partners:

    If we want to be happy in our relationships, it is important to find out what each partner wants from the relationship and how and whether these are compatible. A “want match” in a partnership means that the expectations, needs and goals of both partners are in harmony or can at least be coordinated.

    Example of a Want Match:

    Let’s assume that one partner wants more emotional closeness and togetherness, while the other values more independence. A “want match” would be possible if both partners express these wishes and find a way to integrate both into the relationship – for example, by planning fixed times for togetherness, while each partner also has space for individual freedom.

    Why is this important?

    A lack of agreement on wishes and needs inevitably leads to conflict. If partners have different ideas about love, affection or common goals, this can lead to frustration, misunderstandings and even alienation.

    Your steps to the “Want Match”:

    1. open communication: Both partners must express their wishes and needs clearly so that the other can understand them.

    2. understanding and willingness to compromise: A “want match” often does not happen automatically. Sometimes compromises have to be found so that both partners get what they need.

    3. realistic expectations: In couples coaching or therapy, we often work on questioning unrealistic wishes and setting realistic goals that can be fulfilled in the relationship.

    Through this work, couples can achieve better harmony and satisfaction in their relationship, similar to how the “Want Match” concept increases satisfaction and motivation in a professional context.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

  • Roles, duties and budget…

    And what about your own needs?

    There are many tasks in a relationship. These include the household, raising the children and your own wishes and needs. To ensure that everyone in the family is happy, it is important to distribute the tasks well. At PaarGespräch, we have made it our mission to work with you on how you can share these tasks fairly. Our therapeutic basis for this is the so-called “differentiation-based” approach:

    What is differentiation-based couples therapy?

    Differentiation-based couples therapy helps couples to remain strong as individuals while they are in a relationship . This means that each partner is allowed to keep their own wants and needs, but is still there for the relationship and the family. It is about the balance between I and We.

    Couples learn how to distribute roles and tasks in such a way that each can fulfill their own needs without neglecting the other.

    The little ones – raising children as a mega construction site

    When couples have children, life changes completely. The question of who takes care of the children becomes important. Traditionally, mothers took more care of the children, but today many couples want to share this task. At PaarGespräch, we emphasize that it is important for both partners to be involved in raising the children. This way, no one feels overwhelmed and the children experience both parents as equal caregivers. It is very important that each parent can contribute their own strengths and skills to the upbringing !

    Here are some specific tips:

    Regular conversations: Sit down together regularly and discuss how things are going with raising the children. Are there areas where one of you is taking on too much? Who can provide more support with certain tasks, such as homework, sports or leisure activities?

    Clear responsibilities: Divide up certain tasks. For example, one of you can take the children to school and the other can pick them up. If you have clear responsibilities, everyone knows what needs to be done.

    Daily or weekly schedule: Draw up a plan in which you write down who is doing what task and when, e.g. bath time, homework supervision or doctor’s appointments. This helps to avoid misunderstandings.

    Split parental leave: Even in difficult situations such as illness or bedtime, it is important that both parents are involved. Agree on how you can take turns to avoid overwork.

    Pay attention to each other: Pay attention to whether one of you feels overloaded. If this is the case, discuss together how the other can help out.

    The little bit of household

    Household chores are another important point in any relationship. Who does the laundry? Who makes the meals? These questions can lead to conflict if they are not discussed.

    PaarGespräch helps couples to divide tasks fairly without one of the partners feeling disadvantaged. It’s not just about splitting the work 50/50, but also about ensuring that the roles are flexible. For example, one partner can do more around the house one day because the other has had a stressful day. It’s important to talk about expectations of each other and make sure everyone can express their needs.

    Concrete tips:

    Joint planning: Make a list of all household tasks (e.g. cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry). Discuss who can take on which task based on your strengths and preferences. If one of you prefers to cook, you might take over the kitchen more often, while the other takes care of the bathroom. Anything is ok as long as it’s ok for both of you!

    Flexible distribution of tasks: Be flexible if one of you can do more or less. If one of you has had a stressful day, the other can take on more household chores and vice versa. It is important that you remain open to change.

    Use technology: Use apps or simple calendars to record tasks. This can help you keep an overview and organize the distribution of tasks fairly.

    Set cleaning and tidying days: You can set fixed days per week or month on which you do the housework together. This way, the work is shared and no one feels solely responsible.

    Step in when needed: If one of you is unable to complete a task, it is important that the other person steps in without discussion. This support strengthens the sense of togetherness.

    Attention: Don’t forget your own needs

    It often happens in a relationship that the partners focus so much on everyday life, the household and the children that they forget their own needs. At Paargespräch, we emphasize how important it is that everyone has time for themselves. Both partners should be allowed to make space for their own hobbies and interests. This is the only way to keep the relationship healthy and both partners happy.

    Differentiation-based couples therapy teaches each partner how to remain true to themselves without hurting the other. It is important to create space for each other without one partner feeling neglected. Both partners should support each other in pursuing their own dreams.

    Concrete tips:

    Create free space: Both partners should consciously take time for themselves. This could mean, for example, that one of them goes to the gym alone for a few hours at the weekend or pursues a hobby while the other looks after the children.

    Schedule personal time: Determine when each of you has time for yourselves. Write these times in a shared calendar to avoid misunderstandings. If everyone knows when the other person needs time for themselves, this can avoid stress.

    Support in realizing goals: If one of you is pursuing personal goals, such as further training or a new hobby, support each other. The other can then take on additional tasks for this time so that everyone can develop further.

    Communicate about needs: Talk openly about what you need. Whether it’s more time for yourselves or more time together – only if you share your wishes can you find solutions that work for both of you.

    Schedule couple time: In addition to your own time, you should also plan time as a couple. Deliberately do something together, without the children or other distractions, to strengthen your bond with each other.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Exercise The safe place

    An exercise for emotional support, especially for feelings of anxiety

    1. sit comfortably and close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths in and out of your belly. Relax one body: your legs, your arms, your face.

    2. imagine a place where you feel absolutely safe and comfortable. This can be a real place, like your favorite place in nature, or a fantasy place that you make up.

    3. think about how this place looks, smells, sounds and feels. Perhaps you hear birdsong, feel the warm sand under your feet or smell fresh flowers.

    4. stay in this imagination for a few minutes. Enjoy your safe place. Perhaps you can feel your body relaxing further.

    5. when you are ready, slowly open your eyes and come back to the here and now.

    If you like, record your safe place by drawing it or memorize a certain gesture that can remind you of your safe place.

    This exercise can help you to calm down again in stressful or frightening moments, because you always have your safe place with you.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • People pleasing

    People Pleasing – Why it harms us to want to please everyone

    People pleasing is a term that describes when someone wants to please everyone. Such people try to fulfill the expectations of others without paying attention to their own needs. They often say “yes” even when they actually mean “no”. At first glance, this seems nice and considerate. But in the long run, this behavior can be unhealthy.

    What is behind People Pleasing?

    There are often deeper fears behind the desire to please everyone. Many people pleasers are afraid of rejection or conflict. They want to be loved and recognized and believe that they can only achieve this if they are always friendly and don’t cause any trouble.

    This behavior can be learned as early as childhood. If we only received praise as children when we were well-behaved and conformed, this pattern can continue into adulthood.

    The consequences of people pleasing

    If we are constantly trying to fulfill the expectations of others, our own needs fall by the wayside.

    This often leads to people pleasers being exhausted or feeling emotionally drained. They do a lot for others, but often don’t get the same recognition in return. In the long term, this can lead to frustration and even depression.

    Another problem is that people pleasers are often not authentic. They pretend to please others and suppress their own desires and opinions. As a result, they feel empty inside or have the feeling that they are not themselves.

    How to recognize people pleasing

    People who often “people please” show typical behaviors:

    1. they say yes to everything – even if they don’t have the time or inclination.

    2. they are afraid of conflict and avoid any confrontation.

    3. they are constantly looking for confirmation and feel bad when they don’t get any.

    4. they put the needs of others before their own and feel guilty when they think about themselves.

    How can you break out of the pattern?

    The first step to overcoming people pleasing is to recognize it in the first place. Many people don’t even realize that they have this pattern because it is completely normal for them. Basically, we should all realize that it’s okay to reject something.

    It is important that we know and respect our own limits. This does not mean that we suddenly become selfish, but that we learn to take good care of ourselves.

    Here are a few tips on how to let go of people pleasing:

    1. set clear boundaries: Think about what you really want and learn to say “no” kindly but firmly.

    2. practise self-care: make sure that you regularly take time for yourself and do things that are good for you.

    3. accept that you can’t please everyone: It’s impossible to please everyone, and that’s okay. You are not responsible for the happiness of others.

    4. learn to deal with conflict: Conflicts are a part of life and it is important not to be afraid of them. They often even lead to better communication and more understanding.

    Conclusion

    People pleasing may seem like a friendly trait at first glance, but in the long run it harms us.

    It is important that we learn to recognize our own needs and not constantly orient ourselves to the expectations of others.

    A healthy level of self-care and setting boundaries helps us to lead a fulfilled and authentic life.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Feel feelings exercise

    An exercise for perceiving and expressing current feelings

    This exercise helps you to feel and understand your feelings better again.

    1. sit down in a quiet place and close your eyes.

    2. take a few minutes to feel into your body. What are you feeling right now? Is there a warmth, a pressure or perhaps a tingling sensation?

    3. think about which feeling matches these physical sensations. Do you feel joy, fear, sadness or anger?

    4. simply notice the feeling without judging it. It’s okay to feel the way you feel right now. If you want, you can express the feeling in some way: You can paint it, make music, describe it. What color is the feeling? If it were an animal, what would it be?

    5. breathe in and out deeply and slowly let go of the feeling. You can imagine how you release it with your breath.

    This exercise helps you to become more aware of your feelings step by step and to accept them.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Personality types

    – What they are and how they fit together

    Every person is different. We have different preferences, strengths and weaknesses. These differences are also known as personality types. Each personality type describes how someone sees, thinks and acts in the world.

    The four dimensions of personality

    There are many theories about personality types, but one of the best known is the model of Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and founder of analytical psychology. This model divides personality into four main dimensions:

    1. extraversion (E) vs. introversion (I)

    This describes whether someone gets their energy from the outside world (E) or from the inner world (I).

    – Extraverts love to be with others and actively experience the world. They feel good when they are the center of attention and experience a lot together. They draw energy from contact with others.

    – Introverts feel comfortable in quiet and solitude. They like to think and often need time for themselves to relax. They draw energy from withdrawing from others and therefore like to take time for themselves.

    2. sensing (S) vs. intuition (N)

    This dimension describes how someone absorbs information.

    – Sensing types focus on facts and details. They pay attention to what they see or hear directly and like to find practical solutions. They like to plan, create lists and work through them systematically.

    – Intuitive people tend to think abstractly and focus on the big picture. They look for patterns and new ideas. Planning is not their thing.

    3. thinking (T) vs. feeling (F)

    This describes how people make decisions .

    – Thinkers (T) use logic and reason to make decisions. They try to be objective and fair.

    – Feelers (F) focus more on their feelings and values. They attach great importance to harmony and ensuring that others are doing well.

    4. judging (J) vs. perceiving (P)

    This dimension shows how people organize their lives.

    – Judging types like it when everything is planned and organized. They feel comfortable when they are in control and things are organized.

    – Perceiving types are more spontaneous and flexible. They like to remain open to new possibilities and postpone decisions in order to have more freedom.

    How personality types fit together

    When two people meet in a relationship, two different personality types usually come together – not every personality type automatically harmonizes with every other. This can be a reason for ongoing conflicts.

    Here are some possible combinations 🙂

    – Extraverted and introverted: These opposites can attract each other, but tension can also arise. Extraverts often want to spend a lot of time with others, while introverts need peace and quiet. If both understand and respect this, they can get along well.

    – Sensing and intuition: These types think differently, which can lead to misunderstandings. Sensing types want clear facts, while intuitives like to talk about possibilities and ideas. It helps if both learn to appreciate the other’s point of view.

    – Thinkers and feelers: Thinkers tend to be factual and direct, while feelers pay attention to emotions and harmony. This combination can work well if both are prepared to respond to each other. Thinkers can learn to be more considerate, while Feelers learn to understand logical arguments better.

    – Judging and Perceiving: Judging types like to make plans, while Perceiving types prefer to be spontaneous. It can be difficult to find a common rhythm here. It helps if Judging types learn to be more flexible and Perceiving types accept that some things need to be planned.

    Conclusion: How personality types influence relationships

    The different personality types bring color but also potential for conflict into our interpersonal relationships. Opposites can attract each other, but they can also be challenging. It is important that we understand what makes us and others tick. Communication and mutual understanding are the key to getting along well.

    There are no “perfect” combinations. Every type can have a beautiful relationship with every other type if both are prepared to show consideration for each other and appreciate each other’s strengths. Differences are not an obstacle, but an opportunity to learn from each other and grow together

    In the following exercise you can get clues about your personality types:

    What personality type are you?

    Answer the following questions honestly. At the end, you will get a tendency as to which personality type you tend to be. Remember that there are no “right” or “wrong” answers – it’s about getting to know yourself better.

    1. where do you get your energy from?

    a) I feel good when I am with lots of people and actively involved in life.

    b) I need peace and quiet and time for myself to recharge my batteries.

    2. how do you deal with information?

    a) I pay attention to facts and details and prefer concrete information.

    b) I like to think about ideas and possibilities and look beyond the obvious.

    3. how do you make decisions?

    a) I use logic and think about what makes the most sense.

    b) I let my feelings and those of others flow into my decisions.

    4 How do you organize your life?

    a) I like to make plans and arrange things in advance.

    b) I like to remain spontaneous and flexible in order to react to new opportunities.

    Evaluation:

    Mostly a)

    You tend to have an extroverted (E), practical (S), thinking (T) and organized (J) personality. You actively approach other people, appreciate it when things are clear and logical, and like it when plans are made. In relationships, you value structure and clear communication. You can sometimes come across as very rational, which can lead to you overlooking your partner’s emotional needs. It can be helpful to leave room for spontaneity from time to time and to be more responsive to others’ feelings.

    Mostly b)

    You tend to have an introverted (I), intuitive (N), feeling (F) and spontaneous (P) personality. You like to think calmly, are open to new ideas and let your feelings guide you. In relationships, you are often empathetic and pay attention to harmony. However, it can be difficult for you to organize yourself or make decisions. Your partner may sometimes find it chaotic if you don’t pay as much attention to plans. Try to find a balance between spontaneity and structure.

    Reference to relationships:

    Depending on which personality type you are, this will influence how you interact with your partner or in friendships. People with a clear sense of organization, for example, can harmonize well with someone who is flexible – if both are willing to learn from each other. Those who are more emotional can help to create more depth and understanding in the relationship, while logical thinkers ensure clear communication.

    In relationships, it is important to recognize and appreciate the differences between personality types. Opposites can complement each other well if both partners are open to accepting the other for who they are.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Imposter syndrome

    When we feel like a fraud

    Have you ever had the feeling that you don’t deserve your success? Or that you will “blow your cover” at some point because others realize that you are not as good as they think you are?

    It is precisely this feeling that describes the Imposter Syndrome. It means that people constantly feel that they are not good enough, despite their obvious successes and abilities. They feel like “imposters” who have not earned their success.

    The negative basic assumptions behind the Imposter Syndrome

    Imposter syndrome is often caused by deeply rooted negative beliefs about oneself. People with this syndrome often have thoughts such as:

    – “I’m not really as good as the others think I am.”

    – “I was just lucky.”

    – “At some point, they realize that I can’t do that much.”

    The role of emotions in Imposter syndrome

    These negative thoughts lead to strong emotions that can put a strain on everyday life:

    – Fear: The fear that others will find out the “truth” about their alleged inability.

    – Shame: They feel ashamed because they think they don’t deserve their success.

    – Stress: They are constantly trying to achieve even more in order to prove to others (and themselves) that they are good enough.

    The connection between Imposter Syndrome and self-esteem

    People who experience Impostor Syndrome often have low self-esteem. They measure their worth by what they achieve and how others see them. But self-worth should not depend on being perfect or meeting all expectations. Our value as a person is independent of external successes. If we strengthen our self-esteem, we can also overcome the negative thoughts of impostor syndrome.

    Tips and exercises to combat imposter syndrome

    1. recognize your successes:

    People with feelings of impostor often tend to minimize their successes. One exercise that can help is to keep a success diary. Write down every day what you have done well. This will help you to better recognize your abilities and achievements.

    2. talk about it:

    It can be very relieving to talk to someone about these feelings. Whether with friends, family or a coach – you often realize that you are not alone. Many successful people have similar doubts. It helps to realize that such thoughts are normal and have nothing to do with reality.

    3. question your negative thoughts:

    The next time you think you’re just lucky or not good enough, ask yourself: Is there any evidence for this? Or is there perhaps much more evidence that you are successful because of your skills? Realize that thoughts are often not true and that you can learn to give them less power.

    4. work on your self-esteem:

    A good exercise for more self-esteem is to say at least three things to yourself every day that you value about yourself – regardless of external successes. For example: “I am empathetic”, “I am a good listener” or “I am courageous”. These qualities make you valuable, not just what you achieve.

    Conclusion

    Imposter syndrome can make life difficult because it plunges us into constant self-doubt and anxiety. But it is important to understand that it has nothing to do with reality, but arises from low self-esteem. If we learn to recognize our successes, talk openly about our feelings and strengthen our self-esteem, we can gradually overcome Imposter Syndrome.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team