PaarGespräch

Tag: Relationship

  • Sex in long-term relationships

    Development or standstill?

    Sex life can change in a long-term relationship. Many couples experience that spontaneous passion diminishes after a while. However, this does not mean that sex is automatically lost in a long-term relationship. On the contrary – it can develop further if both partners actively work on it.

    Why is your sex life changing?

    In the first months or years of a relationship, everything is exciting and new. Sexual attraction is often very strong. Everything is new and exciting and still a little uncertain – dopamine levels are high. But as time goes on, everyday life becomes more important, and ocytoxin, the bonding hormone, takes the place of adrenaline and dopamine. The result: spontaneous sexual tension can diminish. Stress, routines or physical changes can also play a role here.

    But that doesn’t mean that sex is becoming less important. It just changes. Couples who have been together for a long time should consciously work on their intimacy. This can mean making time for each other, trying out new things and – above all – talking to each other about their desires and needs.

    Sex is active cooperation

    Sex in a long-term relationship is not like at the beginning, where everything happens almost automatically. Couples need to create time and space for their physical closeness. First of all, this means that both partners should be willing to develop their sexual relationship: If one person in the relationship isn’t interested in sharing, it’s going to be very difficult! It’s not just about the physical act, but also about staying emotionally close as a couple.

    It is important to talk openly about sex. The experience of our work at PaarGespräch shows this: Many remain silent out of fear or insecurity. But talking about desires, fears and fantasies can strengthen the bond. This means that sex is an area of the relationship that needs to be nurtured – just like everything else. After all, we also take time to plan our lunch or our vacation – so why not our sex life?

    Exercise: Talk about your sex life

    1. sit down together in peace – take at least 30 minutes in which you will not be disturbed.

    2. everyone speaks in turn – one person starts and tells how he or she is experiencing their current sex life. What is going well? How does the person currently feel about sex as a couple? With monogamy? Where might there be uncertainties? Are there any desires? Or perhaps a long-held fantasy?

    3. the other person listens actively – no interruptions, just listen and try to understand. You are also welcome to take notes so that you don’t forget anything.

    4 Exchange ideas!
    Once you have both been able to make your statements in peace, you can talk together about what you each heard and understood. Did you really understand each other? Are there any ambiguities?

    Only then can you pick out points that you might want to change or what is particularly important to you.

    This exercise can help you to talk about sex in a relaxed atmosphere. It’s about talking to each other openly and without pressure and working on your intimacy together.

    Conclusion

    Sex in long-term relationships does not have to become less important. With a little effort, open discussions and a willingness to try out new things, the sexual connection can remain alive for many years – with the support of PaarGespräch, this exchange can also take place together with our AI therapist.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • The 5 languages of love

    How couples can understand each other better

    Everyone shows and feels love in different ways. Sometimes couples have the feeling that they don’t really understand each other, even though they love each other. The reason for this could be that they speak “different languages of love”. This idea comes from Dr. Gary Chapman, an American anthropologist and couples therapist, who discovered five different ways in which people express and receive love. He called these ways the five languages of love.

    The five languages of love

    1. words of appreciation: Some people feel especially loved when they hear compliments or kind words. A simple “I love you” or “Thank you for doing so much for me” can show them how important they are.

    2. togetherness: It is important for others to spend time together . This is not just about being together, but about giving your partner your full attention – without distractions.

    3. gifts: Small gifts or tokens of appreciation can send a strong message. It is not about the value of the gift, but about the fact that you have thought of the other person.

    4. helpfulness: Some people feel loved when their partner helps them in everyday life, be it with the washing up or other tasks. These acts show that you are there for each other.

    5. physical touch: For many, physical closeness – such as sex, hugs, kisses or simply holding hands – is the most important way to feel love.

    How can you discover your partner’s love language?

    Everyone has a preferred love language that means the most to them. If you know your partner’s language, you can show them your love in a way that makes them especially happy. Here’s a simple exercise for you to do as a couple:

    Exercise: Discover your love languages

    1. talk to each other

    Sit down together and read through the five love languages. Think about which language appeals to you the most. Maybe you speak several languages 🙂 What does the other person do that makes you particularly happy? What do you perhaps miss?

    2. share your thoughts

    Talk openly about your favorite love language. It can sound like this: “I feel very loved when you help me because it shows that you’re thinking of me” or “I really appreciate it when we just spend time together.”

    3. try it out

    Over the next week, try to speak each other’s love language. If your partner values togetherness, plan an activity together where you spend time together. If he is happy about words of appreciation, give him a small compliment every day.

    4. reflect at the end of the week

    At the end of the week, sit down together again and talk about how you felt. What did you particularly enjoy? What can you improve on in the future? Give this exercise a try – it could take your relationship to a whole new level!

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • People pleasing

    People Pleasing – Why it harms us to want to please everyone

    People pleasing is a term that describes when someone wants to please everyone. Such people try to fulfill the expectations of others without paying attention to their own needs. They often say “yes” even when they actually mean “no”. At first glance, this seems nice and considerate. But in the long run, this behavior can be unhealthy.

    What is behind People Pleasing?

    There are often deeper fears behind the desire to please everyone. Many people pleasers are afraid of rejection or conflict. They want to be loved and recognized and believe that they can only achieve this if they are always friendly and don’t cause any trouble.

    This behavior can be learned as early as childhood. If we only received praise as children when we were well-behaved and conformed, this pattern can continue into adulthood.

    The consequences of people pleasing

    If we are constantly trying to fulfill the expectations of others, our own needs fall by the wayside.

    This often leads to people pleasers being exhausted or feeling emotionally drained. They do a lot for others, but often don’t get the same recognition in return. In the long term, this can lead to frustration and even depression.

    Another problem is that people pleasers are often not authentic. They pretend to please others and suppress their own desires and opinions. As a result, they feel empty inside or have the feeling that they are not themselves.

    How to recognize people pleasing

    People who often “people please” show typical behaviors:

    1. they say yes to everything – even if they don’t have the time or inclination.

    2. they are afraid of conflict and avoid any confrontation.

    3. they are constantly looking for confirmation and feel bad when they don’t get any.

    4. they put the needs of others before their own and feel guilty when they think about themselves.

    How can you break out of the pattern?

    The first step to overcoming people pleasing is to recognize it in the first place. Many people don’t even realize that they have this pattern because it is completely normal for them. Basically, we should all realize that it’s okay to reject something.

    It is important that we know and respect our own limits. This does not mean that we suddenly become selfish, but that we learn to take good care of ourselves.

    Here are a few tips on how to let go of people pleasing:

    1. set clear boundaries: Think about what you really want and learn to say “no” kindly but firmly.

    2. practise self-care: make sure that you regularly take time for yourself and do things that are good for you.

    3. accept that you can’t please everyone: It’s impossible to please everyone, and that’s okay. You are not responsible for the happiness of others.

    4. learn to deal with conflict: Conflicts are a part of life and it is important not to be afraid of them. They often even lead to better communication and more understanding.

    Conclusion

    People pleasing may seem like a friendly trait at first glance, but in the long run it harms us.

    It is important that we learn to recognize our own needs and not constantly orient ourselves to the expectations of others.

    A healthy level of self-care and setting boundaries helps us to lead a fulfilled and authentic life.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Personality types

    – What they are and how they fit together

    Every person is different. We have different preferences, strengths and weaknesses. These differences are also known as personality types. Each personality type describes how someone sees, thinks and acts in the world.

    The four dimensions of personality

    There are many theories about personality types, but one of the best known is the model of Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and founder of analytical psychology. This model divides personality into four main dimensions:

    1. extraversion (E) vs. introversion (I)

    This describes whether someone gets their energy from the outside world (E) or from the inner world (I).

    – Extraverts love to be with others and actively experience the world. They feel good when they are the center of attention and experience a lot together. They draw energy from contact with others.

    – Introverts feel comfortable in quiet and solitude. They like to think and often need time for themselves to relax. They draw energy from withdrawing from others and therefore like to take time for themselves.

    2. sensing (S) vs. intuition (N)

    This dimension describes how someone absorbs information.

    – Sensing types focus on facts and details. They pay attention to what they see or hear directly and like to find practical solutions. They like to plan, create lists and work through them systematically.

    – Intuitive people tend to think abstractly and focus on the big picture. They look for patterns and new ideas. Planning is not their thing.

    3. thinking (T) vs. feeling (F)

    This describes how people make decisions .

    – Thinkers (T) use logic and reason to make decisions. They try to be objective and fair.

    – Feelers (F) focus more on their feelings and values. They attach great importance to harmony and ensuring that others are doing well.

    4. judging (J) vs. perceiving (P)

    This dimension shows how people organize their lives.

    – Judging types like it when everything is planned and organized. They feel comfortable when they are in control and things are organized.

    – Perceiving types are more spontaneous and flexible. They like to remain open to new possibilities and postpone decisions in order to have more freedom.

    How personality types fit together

    When two people meet in a relationship, two different personality types usually come together – not every personality type automatically harmonizes with every other. This can be a reason for ongoing conflicts.

    Here are some possible combinations 🙂

    – Extraverted and introverted: These opposites can attract each other, but tension can also arise. Extraverts often want to spend a lot of time with others, while introverts need peace and quiet. If both understand and respect this, they can get along well.

    – Sensing and intuition: These types think differently, which can lead to misunderstandings. Sensing types want clear facts, while intuitives like to talk about possibilities and ideas. It helps if both learn to appreciate the other’s point of view.

    – Thinkers and feelers: Thinkers tend to be factual and direct, while feelers pay attention to emotions and harmony. This combination can work well if both are prepared to respond to each other. Thinkers can learn to be more considerate, while Feelers learn to understand logical arguments better.

    – Judging and Perceiving: Judging types like to make plans, while Perceiving types prefer to be spontaneous. It can be difficult to find a common rhythm here. It helps if Judging types learn to be more flexible and Perceiving types accept that some things need to be planned.

    Conclusion: How personality types influence relationships

    The different personality types bring color but also potential for conflict into our interpersonal relationships. Opposites can attract each other, but they can also be challenging. It is important that we understand what makes us and others tick. Communication and mutual understanding are the key to getting along well.

    There are no “perfect” combinations. Every type can have a beautiful relationship with every other type if both are prepared to show consideration for each other and appreciate each other’s strengths. Differences are not an obstacle, but an opportunity to learn from each other and grow together

    In the following exercise you can get clues about your personality types:

    What personality type are you?

    Answer the following questions honestly. At the end, you will get a tendency as to which personality type you tend to be. Remember that there are no “right” or “wrong” answers – it’s about getting to know yourself better.

    1. where do you get your energy from?

    a) I feel good when I am with lots of people and actively involved in life.

    b) I need peace and quiet and time for myself to recharge my batteries.

    2. how do you deal with information?

    a) I pay attention to facts and details and prefer concrete information.

    b) I like to think about ideas and possibilities and look beyond the obvious.

    3. how do you make decisions?

    a) I use logic and think about what makes the most sense.

    b) I let my feelings and those of others flow into my decisions.

    4 How do you organize your life?

    a) I like to make plans and arrange things in advance.

    b) I like to remain spontaneous and flexible in order to react to new opportunities.

    Evaluation:

    Mostly a)

    You tend to have an extroverted (E), practical (S), thinking (T) and organized (J) personality. You actively approach other people, appreciate it when things are clear and logical, and like it when plans are made. In relationships, you value structure and clear communication. You can sometimes come across as very rational, which can lead to you overlooking your partner’s emotional needs. It can be helpful to leave room for spontaneity from time to time and to be more responsive to others’ feelings.

    Mostly b)

    You tend to have an introverted (I), intuitive (N), feeling (F) and spontaneous (P) personality. You like to think calmly, are open to new ideas and let your feelings guide you. In relationships, you are often empathetic and pay attention to harmony. However, it can be difficult for you to organize yourself or make decisions. Your partner may sometimes find it chaotic if you don’t pay as much attention to plans. Try to find a balance between spontaneity and structure.

    Reference to relationships:

    Depending on which personality type you are, this will influence how you interact with your partner or in friendships. People with a clear sense of organization, for example, can harmonize well with someone who is flexible – if both are willing to learn from each other. Those who are more emotional can help to create more depth and understanding in the relationship, while logical thinkers ensure clear communication.

    In relationships, it is important to recognize and appreciate the differences between personality types. Opposites can complement each other well if both partners are open to accepting the other for who they are.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Beliefs and their origins

    – How they shape our lives and how we can change them

    Beliefs are deeply rooted convictions that we develop in the course of our lives. They influence how we see ourselves and the world around us. You could also say that they are the operating system of our brain; therapists also refer to them as basic assumptions, which form the basis of all our thought constructs like a “thought foundation” .

    Beliefs can support us – or stand in our way. Negative and dysfunctional beliefs in particular have a major influence on our self-image and our relationships.

    Source: flickr.com/ Dennis Skley

    What are beliefs and how do they arise?

    Beliefs are usually formed in childhood and adolescence. They are formed through our experiences, i.e. what our parents, teachers or friends tell us, and through the way we interact with the world. A simple example of a positive belief would be: “I am valuable.” A negative belief could be: “I am not good enough.”

    Our beliefs act like a pair of glasses through which we view the world. For example, if we have internalized the belief “I will always fail”, we will have exactly this expectation in many situations – even if the reality is completely different. Such beliefs can block us and cause us to sabotage ourselves.

    Negative and dysfunctional beliefs

    Dysfunctional beliefs are convictions that limit us in our lives. They can arise from traumatic experiences, criticism or repeated failures. Examples of such beliefs are

    – “I am not worthy of being loved.”

    – “I will always fail.”

    – “Other people are not trustworthy.”

    These beliefs often lead to negative feelings such as fear, guilt or shame. They prevent us from taking on new challenges or having fulfilling relationships.

    How to change beliefs

    Recognizing and changing dysfunctional beliefs is a central component of many therapeutic approaches, such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is about identifying our negative thought patterns and replacing them with positive, more realistic beliefs.

    The first step is to become aware of your beliefs. They are often so deeply rooted in us that we no longer question them. One question you can ask yourself is: “What do I believe about myself in this situation?”

    Once a belief has been identified, it helps to question it. Is it really true that I “always fail”? Can’t I also find situations in which I was successful? By asking ourselves these questions, we loosen the power that these beliefs have over us.

    Exercise for couples: recognizing beliefs in the relationship

    Beliefs play a major role in our relationships. They influence how we perceive and communicate with each other. Based on our operating system, we create a kind of manual for how we see and evaluate ourselves and our partner in relationships.

    The following exercise will help you explore your beliefs and share your common convictions:

    Step 1: Each partner sits down in a quiet place and writes down two or three beliefs they have about relationships in general or about their own partnership. Examples could be:

    – “If I open up, I get hurt.”

    – “My partner should always know how I’m doing without me having to tell them.”

    Step 2: Talk about these beliefs. Make sure you listen without judging. Ask each other: “Where does this belief come from? What could be the origin?”

    Step 3: Consider together whether these beliefs are good for the relationship or whether they are perhaps a hindrance. Are there any beliefs that you would like to change together?

    Step 4: Develop positive, supportive beliefs that you would like to adopt as a couple. Examples could be:

    – “We can both be vulnerable and talk about it.”

    – “I can trust my partner and ask him openly for support.”

    This exercise helps couples to delve deeper into their relationship dynamics and develop beliefs that strengthen trust and closeness.

    Conclusion

    Beliefs shape our lives in many different ways. Dysfunctional beliefs in particular can have a negative impact on our well-being and relationships. However, through conscious reflection and with the help of therapeutic techniques, we can change these beliefs and lead a more fulfilling life. This exercise for couples shows how beliefs also play a role in relationships – and how we can change them for the better together.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team