PaarGespräch

Tag: intimacy

  • Let’s talk about sex, baby!

    Fantasies, kinks, fetishes…

    Sexuality is diverse, and there are many different ways in which people can experience their sexuality. You often hear terms like “kinks” and “fetishes”, but what do they actually mean? In this article, we’ll give you an overview of different types of sexual play. Have fun reading 🙂

    What are kinks?

    Kinks are sexual preferences or fantasies that lie outside of what is considered traditional sex. Everyone has different sexual preferences, and kinks are simply something that you personally enjoy or find arousing. An example of a kink would be playing with power and control, as in role play or so-called “BDSM” (bondage, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism).

    What are fetishes?

    A fetish is a particular type of kink in which a specific thing, object or body part triggers a strong sexual attraction. People with a fetish are often particularly attracted to a certain detail. For example, this could be a fetish for feet, leather or certain items of clothing such as stockings. For some people, a fetish is an important part of their sexual arousal.

    Other types of sexual play

    In addition to kinks and fetishes, there are many other ways to explore your own sexuality:

    – Role play: Here the partners slip into different roles, for example teacher-student, doctor-patient or other fantasies. The aim is to slip into a new role and have fun doing it.

    – BDSM: BDSM is a form of play in which power, control and sometimes pain are an important part of the experience. It is important that all participants set clear rules and boundaries and that all actions are based on mutual consent.

    – Sensual games: It can also simply be about experiencing new sensations, for example by touching, massaging or using soft fabrics or feathers. Such games can help to heighten the senses and experience a more intense feeling of closeness.

    Our sex-positive attitude: everything is allowed as long as it is consensual

    At PaarGespräch, we make it clear that – apart from criminal, harmful acts – there is no “right” or “wrong” way to experience sexuality. The important thing is that everyone involved has fun, feels safe and that everything is consensual. Sexuality is a personal thing and every preference is justified as long as it is respectful and based on mutual consent.

    Sexuality is a natural and beautiful part of life, and it’s perfectly fine if you like kinks, fetishes or other sexual play. There are no hard and fast rules – what matters is that you and your partner feel comfortable talking openly about your desires.

    Exercise for couples: discover your preferences!

    1. sit down together: Take your time in a calm, relaxed atmosphere.

    2. talk about your preferences: One by one, each of you share what you like sexually. These can be things you’ve tried before or new things that interest you. There are no wrong answers, and it’s important that you listen to each other without judging.

    3. create a “yes-no-maybe” list: Write the headings “Yes”, “No” and “Maybe” on three pieces of paper. Then write down the things you would like to try out in your sexuality. Things you definitely want to try go on the “Yes” list, things you’re not interested in go on the “No” list, and things you’re unsure about go on the “Maybe” list.

    4. exchange your lists: Compare your lists and talk about what you could try together. This helps to better understand your desires and gives you the opportunity to explore new things in your sexuality.

    5 Try it out: Once you’ve both agreed on something you’d like to try, make a plan for how you can implement it into your sex life. It’s not about trying everything right away, but about discovering new things step by step.

    This exercise can help you get closer and talk openly about your sexual needs. Sexuality is an important part of every relationship, and through communication you can make it even more beautiful and fulfilling.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from the PaarGespräch team

  • Relationships are diverse!

    And that’s a good thing 🙂

    There are many different ways in which people structure their relationships. The important thing is that both partners are happy and decide together what works best for them. In this article, we explain the most important types of relationship and why they all have their place.

    Monogamous relationship

    A monogamous relationship means that two people are together and only have a romantic or sexual relationship with this partner. This is the most common form of relationship in many parts of the world. The (usually idealized) idea behind it is that both partners give enough to each other and do not need other relationships.

    Sequential monogamy

    Sequential monogamy means that someone only has one partner at a time, but enters into several relationships in succession over the course of their life. This form of monogamy is very common in Western cultures. People are in a committed relationship for a while and when it ends, they start a new relationship with someone else. The new relationship often replaces the existing one, and infidelity and affairs are also common in monogamous cultures: on average, worldwide studies show that around 20-25% of people in monogamous relationships cheat at least once in the course of their lives.

    Some surveys and studies also give higher figures:

    – In men, the rate is often around 20-30%, while in women it is around 15-25%.

    – The differences between the sexes have become smaller in recent years, as women increasingly have similar figures to men.

    (Note: It is important to note that the actual rate may vary depending on the definition of “cheating” (emotional cheating, online affairs, physical affairs, etc.) and the willingness of respondents to answer honestly)

    The reasons for this are manifold and have already been looked at from an evolutionary-biological perspective in recent articles, for example. If you have any further questions, please contact your AI therapist at PaarGespräch!

    Open relationship

    In an open relationship, the partners are together in a relationship that is prioritized by both parties, but they have the freedom – depending on their mutual agreement – to also have romantic or sexual relationships with other people: So they go on dates together, to the swingers club or allow themselves the freedom to have individual trysts with people outside the relationship. It is important that both partners agree on this and set clear rules. Trust and open communication are very important here so that no misunderstandings arise.

    Polyamorous relationship

    In a polyamorous relationship, people have more than one romantic and/or sexual relationship at the same time. Unlike in an open relationship, all partners are emotionally connected and the relationships often have equal importance in the lives of the partners. Polyamory means that someone can love several people at the same time and that all the people involved know about it and agree. Here too, trust and communication are crucial.

    Is there a “right” kind of relationship?

    There is no “right” or “wrong” type of relationship. What works for some does not necessarily work for everyone. Some people feel most comfortable in a monogamous relationship, others prefer an open relationship or polyamory. Sequential monogamy shows that many people have several relationships over the course of their lives, but are still faithful to one partner at a time. It is important that both partners feel comfortable in their relationship and talk openly with each other.

    PaarGespräch’s position on this topic:

    PaarGespräch stands for the absolute openness to try out and accept different forms of relationships. Every relationship is unique and it is important that people find what works for them. Whether monogamous, open, polyamorous or sequentially monogamous – all forms of relationship have their place as long as respect, love and honesty are at the forefront.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best, your team from PaarGespräch

  • Our brain and the long-term monogamous relationship

    About biology, monogamy and much more

    Many people wonder why we often enter into monogamous relationships. Why do many couples stay together for many years? There are both biological and social reasons for this.

    What happens in the brain?

    When we are with someone for a long time, our brain releases hormones that help us to form a deep bond. The most important hormones here are oxytocin and vasopressin. These are often referred to as ‘bonding hormones’.

    – Oxytocin: Also known as the “cuddle hormone” 🙂 This hormone is often released when we are physically or emotionally close to our partner – for example when cuddling or during a nice conversation. It gives us a feeling of security and trust.

    – Vasopressin: This hormone helps us to build a long-term bond. It reinforces the feeling that we belong to someone.

    In Mark Manson’s book Everything is Fcked: A Book About Hope*, he talks about how our minds are constantly searching for meaning and hope. Relationships, especially long-term ones, often give us this kind of stability and purpose in life. They offer us emotional security.

    What happens in the brain at the beginning of a relationship
    – or even an affair?

    Things are different at the beginning of a new relationship or in an affair. Other hormones play a greater role here, especially dopamine.

    – Dopamine: This hormone creates a strong feeling of excitement and happiness. It is often referred to as the ‘reward hormone’ because it gives us the feeling that something new or exciting is happening. When we are newly in love or having an affair, our brain releases a lot of dopamine. This is the reason why new relationships often seem so exciting and intense.

    The hormone adrenaline also plays a role. It makes us alert and makes our heart beat faster when we are excited or take a risk. In an affair, which is often secret, this thrill can be particularly strong.

    Why do infidelities occur?

    Simply put, some people have affairs or infidelities because they want to feel that sense of excitement and high from dopamine. In long-term relationships, where oxytocin and vasopressin dominate, this feeling of excitement and passion will naturally diminish. The relationship feels safe and familiar, but not as exciting as it was in the beginning.

    In a new relationship with an unknown person, people experience the same “thrill” again that they had at the beginning of a relationship. An affair can bring back this feeling of adventure because the brain releases a lot of dopamine again. But this feeling is often only temporary.

    What does evolution have to say about this?

    Some scientists say that monogamy is not necessarily “natural” for humans. In the book Sex – The True Story by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha, it is explained that our early ancestors probably lived in groups where there were multiple sexual partners. This theory calls into question whether we are biologically “programmed” for monogamy.

    But this does not mean that monogamy is “wrong” per se. Female Choice explains that women’s sexual choices and behavior have played an important role in evolution. Women often make conscious decisions about who to procreate with based on what works best for them and their family. Monogamous relationships can therefore be a strategy to ensure that their offspring are well cared for.

    Conclusion

    Although our brains help us to form close bonds and monogamy can give us security, it is important to understand the diversity of human relationships. People are constantly evolving – both biologically and emotionally. It is important that couples talk about this and find ways together to maintain passion and closeness in long-term relationships. This will not always be the case automatically. What you find out together with your partner with PaarGespräch will be your individual relationship model: Relationships are different and what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for everyone.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Sex in long-term relationships

    Development or standstill?

    Sex life can change in a long-term relationship. Many couples experience that spontaneous passion diminishes after a while. However, this does not mean that sex is automatically lost in a long-term relationship. On the contrary – it can develop further if both partners actively work on it.

    Why is your sex life changing?

    In the first months or years of a relationship, everything is exciting and new. Sexual attraction is often very strong. Everything is new and exciting and still a little uncertain – dopamine levels are high. But as time goes on, everyday life becomes more important, and ocytoxin, the bonding hormone, takes the place of adrenaline and dopamine. The result: spontaneous sexual tension can diminish. Stress, routines or physical changes can also play a role here.

    But that doesn’t mean that sex is becoming less important. It just changes. Couples who have been together for a long time should consciously work on their intimacy. This can mean making time for each other, trying out new things and – above all – talking to each other about their desires and needs.

    Sex is active cooperation

    Sex in a long-term relationship is not like at the beginning, where everything happens almost automatically. Couples need to create time and space for their physical closeness. First of all, this means that both partners should be willing to develop their sexual relationship: If one person in the relationship isn’t interested in sharing, it’s going to be very difficult! It’s not just about the physical act, but also about staying emotionally close as a couple.

    It is important to talk openly about sex. The experience of our work at PaarGespräch shows this: Many remain silent out of fear or insecurity. But talking about desires, fears and fantasies can strengthen the bond. This means that sex is an area of the relationship that needs to be nurtured – just like everything else. After all, we also take time to plan our lunch or our vacation – so why not our sex life?

    Exercise: Talk about your sex life

    1. sit down together in peace – take at least 30 minutes in which you will not be disturbed.

    2. everyone speaks in turn – one person starts and tells how he or she is experiencing their current sex life. What is going well? How does the person currently feel about sex as a couple? With monogamy? Where might there be uncertainties? Are there any desires? Or perhaps a long-held fantasy?

    3. the other person listens actively – no interruptions, just listen and try to understand. You are also welcome to take notes so that you don’t forget anything.

    4 Exchange ideas!
    Once you have both been able to make your statements in peace, you can talk together about what you each heard and understood. Did you really understand each other? Are there any ambiguities?

    Only then can you pick out points that you might want to change or what is particularly important to you.

    This exercise can help you to talk about sex in a relaxed atmosphere. It’s about talking to each other openly and without pressure and working on your intimacy together.

    Conclusion

    Sex in long-term relationships does not have to become less important. With a little effort, open discussions and a willingness to try out new things, the sexual connection can remain alive for many years – with the support of PaarGespräch, this exchange can also take place together with our AI therapist.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • “Kissing with open eyes” – an exercise for more closeness and intimacy

    Have you ever heard that kissing with your eyes open can be an exciting and intense experience? It may sound unusual at first, because most people automatically close their eyes when kissing.

    Does that sound interesting? Then read on and try it out for yourself!

    Why “kissing with open eyes”?

    David Schnarch is a well-known expert in couples therapy and researches how couples can grow closer together. One of the techniques he recommends is “kissing with your eyes open”. Why? Because it takes courage to look at the other person so directly and show vulnerability. This exercise is challenging because it is unfamiliar – but that is exactly what makes it so powerful.

    By looking into each other’s eyes when we kiss, we learn to be fully present in intimacy. We are not hiding, but really opening up to each other. It is a way of deepening the emotional connection and showing: “I am here, I see you and I let you see me.”

    The instructions: This is how it works!

    **Step 1: Find a quiet moment**

    Find a moment when you are both relaxed and have time for each other. Perhaps an evening for two where you can concentrate on each other. It’s important that you’re not stressed and that you feel comfortable.

    **Step 2: Stand opposite each other**

    Stand in front of your partner and stand comfortably. You can stand close to each other, but make sure that you can look each other in the eye.

    **Step 3: Connect through eye contact**

    Before you kiss, look deeply into each other’s eyes for a few seconds. It may feel a little unfamiliar or even strange at first, but try to embrace the moment. Allow the initial nervousness to dissipate.

    **Step 4: Start kissing each other – with your eyes open**

    Now comes the crucial moment: you start kissing, but keep your eyes open. Try to keep looking into each other’s eyes during the kiss. At first, you may feel the urge to close your eyes – this is completely normal. Notice it and make a conscious decision to keep your eyes open.

    **Step 5: Feel what happens**

    While you are kissing, consciously notice the feelings and thoughts that arise within you. Do you perhaps feel vulnerable or particularly connected

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • “The embrace until relaxation” according to David Schnarch

    The therapeutic exercise “The Embrace to Relaxation” comes from the well-known American psychologist and couples therapist David Schnarch. He developed this method to help couples build a deeper connection with each other and at the same time release emotional blockages. This exercise is simple to do, but has a deep psychological background and can have a powerful effect on the relationship.

    What is the hug to relaxation?

    The exercise itself is simple: a couple hugs each other until both partners relax completely. The embrace should be calm and mindful, without words or other distractions.
    In many relationships, it often happens that partners either seek too much closeness in emotional or stressful situations or withdraw in order to protect themselves. However, both behaviors prevent a deep emotional connection. Embracing to the point of relaxation is one method of correcting this imbalance.

    Why is this exercise effective?

    1. physical closeness without distraction: Most couples are often physically close, but rarely in such a conscious and focused way.

    2. overcoming fear and insecurity: By learning to endure tension instead of reacting immediately, both partners develop more emotional strength and self-confidence in the relationship. This exercise helps to reduce emotional dependency and take more responsibility for your own well-being.

    3. deeper bond: When both partners manage to relax together, the bond between them deepens. This creates a feeling of security and stability that also radiates to other aspects of the relationship.

    How it works:

    Both partners stand upright and hold each other without pressure, but firmly in their arms. The embrace lasts until both partners can relax physically and emotionally.

    Now observe: How are you standing? Are you leaning heavily on each other? What happens when one partner moves and changes position? Is everyone standing on their own with their feet firmly on the ground or are you leaning heavily on each other?

    Conclusion

    “The embrace to relaxation” is a simple but very effective exercise that helps couples to experience emotional and physical closeness in a deeper and more conscious way. It strengthens trust in the relationship and, through reflection, promotes a balance between individual autonomy and shared closeness.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team