PaarGespräch

Tag: freedom_and_independence

  • The “Want Match”

    An example from leadership psychology.

    The “Want Match” is a psychological concept used in the management and motivation of employees. The concept was developed by Mark Murphy, a well-known expert in leadership and motivation. It refers to matching people’s own personal wants and needs with their professional tasks and goals. When a “want match” is achieved, employees are happier, more motivated and more productive because they feel that their personal and professional desires are in harmony.

    Imagine an employee who would like to take on more responsibility because he or she wants to develop further and make a career. If the manager recognizes this and offers the employee a managerial position, a “want match” is created. Employees feel understood and valued, and their motivation increases.

    However, if there is no “want match”, e.g. if the employee is stuck in a position that does not match their wishes, this can lead to dissatisfaction and lower performance. The concept therefore emphasizes the importance of matching personal wishes with professional opportunities.

    The concept of Want Match can be easily transferred to the world of relationships, as relationships are also about matching the wishes and needs of both partners:

    If we want to be happy in our relationships, it is important to find out what each partner wants from the relationship and how and whether these are compatible. A “want match” in a partnership means that the expectations, needs and goals of both partners are in harmony or can at least be coordinated.

    Example of a Want Match:

    Let’s assume that one partner wants more emotional closeness and togetherness, while the other values more independence. A “want match” would be possible if both partners express these wishes and find a way to integrate both into the relationship – for example, by planning fixed times for togetherness, while each partner also has space for individual freedom.

    Why is this important?

    A lack of agreement on wishes and needs inevitably leads to conflict. If partners have different ideas about love, affection or common goals, this can lead to frustration, misunderstandings and even alienation.

    Your steps to the “Want Match”:

    1. open communication: Both partners must express their wishes and needs clearly so that the other can understand them.

    2. understanding and willingness to compromise: A “want match” often does not happen automatically. Sometimes compromises have to be found so that both partners get what they need.

    3. realistic expectations: In couples coaching or therapy, we often work on questioning unrealistic wishes and setting realistic goals that can be fulfilled in the relationship.

    Through this work, couples can achieve better harmony and satisfaction in their relationship, similar to how the “Want Match” concept increases satisfaction and motivation in a professional context.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

  • Let’s talk about sex, baby!

    Fantasies, kinks, fetishes…

    Sexuality is diverse, and there are many different ways in which people can experience their sexuality. You often hear terms like “kinks” and “fetishes”, but what do they actually mean? In this article, we’ll give you an overview of different types of sexual play. Have fun reading 🙂

    What are kinks?

    Kinks are sexual preferences or fantasies that lie outside of what is considered traditional sex. Everyone has different sexual preferences, and kinks are simply something that you personally enjoy or find arousing. An example of a kink would be playing with power and control, as in role play or so-called “BDSM” (bondage, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism).

    What are fetishes?

    A fetish is a particular type of kink in which a specific thing, object or body part triggers a strong sexual attraction. People with a fetish are often particularly attracted to a certain detail. For example, this could be a fetish for feet, leather or certain items of clothing such as stockings. For some people, a fetish is an important part of their sexual arousal.

    Other types of sexual play

    In addition to kinks and fetishes, there are many other ways to explore your own sexuality:

    – Role play: Here the partners slip into different roles, for example teacher-student, doctor-patient or other fantasies. The aim is to slip into a new role and have fun doing it.

    – BDSM: BDSM is a form of play in which power, control and sometimes pain are an important part of the experience. It is important that all participants set clear rules and boundaries and that all actions are based on mutual consent.

    – Sensual games: It can also simply be about experiencing new sensations, for example by touching, massaging or using soft fabrics or feathers. Such games can help to heighten the senses and experience a more intense feeling of closeness.

    Our sex-positive attitude: everything is allowed as long as it is consensual

    At PaarGespräch, we make it clear that – apart from criminal, harmful acts – there is no “right” or “wrong” way to experience sexuality. The important thing is that everyone involved has fun, feels safe and that everything is consensual. Sexuality is a personal thing and every preference is justified as long as it is respectful and based on mutual consent.

    Sexuality is a natural and beautiful part of life, and it’s perfectly fine if you like kinks, fetishes or other sexual play. There are no hard and fast rules – what matters is that you and your partner feel comfortable talking openly about your desires.

    Exercise for couples: discover your preferences!

    1. sit down together: Take your time in a calm, relaxed atmosphere.

    2. talk about your preferences: One by one, each of you share what you like sexually. These can be things you’ve tried before or new things that interest you. There are no wrong answers, and it’s important that you listen to each other without judging.

    3. create a “yes-no-maybe” list: Write the headings “Yes”, “No” and “Maybe” on three pieces of paper. Then write down the things you would like to try out in your sexuality. Things you definitely want to try go on the “Yes” list, things you’re not interested in go on the “No” list, and things you’re unsure about go on the “Maybe” list.

    4. exchange your lists: Compare your lists and talk about what you could try together. This helps to better understand your desires and gives you the opportunity to explore new things in your sexuality.

    5 Try it out: Once you’ve both agreed on something you’d like to try, make a plan for how you can implement it into your sex life. It’s not about trying everything right away, but about discovering new things step by step.

    This exercise can help you get closer and talk openly about your sexual needs. Sexuality is an important part of every relationship, and through communication you can make it even more beautiful and fulfilling.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from the PaarGespräch team

  • Our brain and the long-term monogamous relationship

    About biology, monogamy and much more

    Many people wonder why we often enter into monogamous relationships. Why do many couples stay together for many years? There are both biological and social reasons for this.

    What happens in the brain?

    When we are with someone for a long time, our brain releases hormones that help us to form a deep bond. The most important hormones here are oxytocin and vasopressin. These are often referred to as ‘bonding hormones’.

    – Oxytocin: Also known as the “cuddle hormone” 🙂 This hormone is often released when we are physically or emotionally close to our partner – for example when cuddling or during a nice conversation. It gives us a feeling of security and trust.

    – Vasopressin: This hormone helps us to build a long-term bond. It reinforces the feeling that we belong to someone.

    In Mark Manson’s book Everything is Fcked: A Book About Hope*, he talks about how our minds are constantly searching for meaning and hope. Relationships, especially long-term ones, often give us this kind of stability and purpose in life. They offer us emotional security.

    What happens in the brain at the beginning of a relationship
    – or even an affair?

    Things are different at the beginning of a new relationship or in an affair. Other hormones play a greater role here, especially dopamine.

    – Dopamine: This hormone creates a strong feeling of excitement and happiness. It is often referred to as the ‘reward hormone’ because it gives us the feeling that something new or exciting is happening. When we are newly in love or having an affair, our brain releases a lot of dopamine. This is the reason why new relationships often seem so exciting and intense.

    The hormone adrenaline also plays a role. It makes us alert and makes our heart beat faster when we are excited or take a risk. In an affair, which is often secret, this thrill can be particularly strong.

    Why do infidelities occur?

    Simply put, some people have affairs or infidelities because they want to feel that sense of excitement and high from dopamine. In long-term relationships, where oxytocin and vasopressin dominate, this feeling of excitement and passion will naturally diminish. The relationship feels safe and familiar, but not as exciting as it was in the beginning.

    In a new relationship with an unknown person, people experience the same “thrill” again that they had at the beginning of a relationship. An affair can bring back this feeling of adventure because the brain releases a lot of dopamine again. But this feeling is often only temporary.

    What does evolution have to say about this?

    Some scientists say that monogamy is not necessarily “natural” for humans. In the book Sex – The True Story by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha, it is explained that our early ancestors probably lived in groups where there were multiple sexual partners. This theory calls into question whether we are biologically “programmed” for monogamy.

    But this does not mean that monogamy is “wrong” per se. Female Choice explains that women’s sexual choices and behavior have played an important role in evolution. Women often make conscious decisions about who to procreate with based on what works best for them and their family. Monogamous relationships can therefore be a strategy to ensure that their offspring are well cared for.

    Conclusion

    Although our brains help us to form close bonds and monogamy can give us security, it is important to understand the diversity of human relationships. People are constantly evolving – both biologically and emotionally. It is important that couples talk about this and find ways together to maintain passion and closeness in long-term relationships. This will not always be the case automatically. What you find out together with your partner with PaarGespräch will be your individual relationship model: Relationships are different and what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for everyone.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team