PaarGespräch

Tag: Couples therapy

  • The “Want Match”

    An example from leadership psychology.

    The “Want Match” is a psychological concept used in the management and motivation of employees. The concept was developed by Mark Murphy, a well-known expert in leadership and motivation. It refers to matching people’s own personal wants and needs with their professional tasks and goals. When a “want match” is achieved, employees are happier, more motivated and more productive because they feel that their personal and professional desires are in harmony.

    Imagine an employee who would like to take on more responsibility because he or she wants to develop further and make a career. If the manager recognizes this and offers the employee a managerial position, a “want match” is created. Employees feel understood and valued, and their motivation increases.

    However, if there is no “want match”, e.g. if the employee is stuck in a position that does not match their wishes, this can lead to dissatisfaction and lower performance. The concept therefore emphasizes the importance of matching personal wishes with professional opportunities.

    The concept of Want Match can be easily transferred to the world of relationships, as relationships are also about matching the wishes and needs of both partners:

    If we want to be happy in our relationships, it is important to find out what each partner wants from the relationship and how and whether these are compatible. A “want match” in a partnership means that the expectations, needs and goals of both partners are in harmony or can at least be coordinated.

    Example of a Want Match:

    Let’s assume that one partner wants more emotional closeness and togetherness, while the other values more independence. A “want match” would be possible if both partners express these wishes and find a way to integrate both into the relationship – for example, by planning fixed times for togetherness, while each partner also has space for individual freedom.

    Why is this important?

    A lack of agreement on wishes and needs inevitably leads to conflict. If partners have different ideas about love, affection or common goals, this can lead to frustration, misunderstandings and even alienation.

    Your steps to the “Want Match”:

    1. open communication: Both partners must express their wishes and needs clearly so that the other can understand them.

    2. understanding and willingness to compromise: A “want match” often does not happen automatically. Sometimes compromises have to be found so that both partners get what they need.

    3. realistic expectations: In couples coaching or therapy, we often work on questioning unrealistic wishes and setting realistic goals that can be fulfilled in the relationship.

    Through this work, couples can achieve better harmony and satisfaction in their relationship, similar to how the “Want Match” concept increases satisfaction and motivation in a professional context.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

  • Our brain and the long-term monogamous relationship

    About biology, monogamy and much more

    Many people wonder why we often enter into monogamous relationships. Why do many couples stay together for many years? There are both biological and social reasons for this.

    What happens in the brain?

    When we are with someone for a long time, our brain releases hormones that help us to form a deep bond. The most important hormones here are oxytocin and vasopressin. These are often referred to as ‘bonding hormones’.

    – Oxytocin: Also known as the “cuddle hormone” 🙂 This hormone is often released when we are physically or emotionally close to our partner – for example when cuddling or during a nice conversation. It gives us a feeling of security and trust.

    – Vasopressin: This hormone helps us to build a long-term bond. It reinforces the feeling that we belong to someone.

    In Mark Manson’s book Everything is Fcked: A Book About Hope*, he talks about how our minds are constantly searching for meaning and hope. Relationships, especially long-term ones, often give us this kind of stability and purpose in life. They offer us emotional security.

    What happens in the brain at the beginning of a relationship
    – or even an affair?

    Things are different at the beginning of a new relationship or in an affair. Other hormones play a greater role here, especially dopamine.

    – Dopamine: This hormone creates a strong feeling of excitement and happiness. It is often referred to as the ‘reward hormone’ because it gives us the feeling that something new or exciting is happening. When we are newly in love or having an affair, our brain releases a lot of dopamine. This is the reason why new relationships often seem so exciting and intense.

    The hormone adrenaline also plays a role. It makes us alert and makes our heart beat faster when we are excited or take a risk. In an affair, which is often secret, this thrill can be particularly strong.

    Why do infidelities occur?

    Simply put, some people have affairs or infidelities because they want to feel that sense of excitement and high from dopamine. In long-term relationships, where oxytocin and vasopressin dominate, this feeling of excitement and passion will naturally diminish. The relationship feels safe and familiar, but not as exciting as it was in the beginning.

    In a new relationship with an unknown person, people experience the same “thrill” again that they had at the beginning of a relationship. An affair can bring back this feeling of adventure because the brain releases a lot of dopamine again. But this feeling is often only temporary.

    What does evolution have to say about this?

    Some scientists say that monogamy is not necessarily “natural” for humans. In the book Sex – The True Story by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha, it is explained that our early ancestors probably lived in groups where there were multiple sexual partners. This theory calls into question whether we are biologically “programmed” for monogamy.

    But this does not mean that monogamy is “wrong” per se. Female Choice explains that women’s sexual choices and behavior have played an important role in evolution. Women often make conscious decisions about who to procreate with based on what works best for them and their family. Monogamous relationships can therefore be a strategy to ensure that their offspring are well cared for.

    Conclusion

    Although our brains help us to form close bonds and monogamy can give us security, it is important to understand the diversity of human relationships. People are constantly evolving – both biologically and emotionally. It is important that couples talk about this and find ways together to maintain passion and closeness in long-term relationships. This will not always be the case automatically. What you find out together with your partner with PaarGespräch will be your individual relationship model: Relationships are different and what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for everyone.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Sex in long-term relationships

    Development or standstill?

    Sex life can change in a long-term relationship. Many couples experience that spontaneous passion diminishes after a while. However, this does not mean that sex is automatically lost in a long-term relationship. On the contrary – it can develop further if both partners actively work on it.

    Why is your sex life changing?

    In the first months or years of a relationship, everything is exciting and new. Sexual attraction is often very strong. Everything is new and exciting and still a little uncertain – dopamine levels are high. But as time goes on, everyday life becomes more important, and ocytoxin, the bonding hormone, takes the place of adrenaline and dopamine. The result: spontaneous sexual tension can diminish. Stress, routines or physical changes can also play a role here.

    But that doesn’t mean that sex is becoming less important. It just changes. Couples who have been together for a long time should consciously work on their intimacy. This can mean making time for each other, trying out new things and – above all – talking to each other about their desires and needs.

    Sex is active cooperation

    Sex in a long-term relationship is not like at the beginning, where everything happens almost automatically. Couples need to create time and space for their physical closeness. First of all, this means that both partners should be willing to develop their sexual relationship: If one person in the relationship isn’t interested in sharing, it’s going to be very difficult! It’s not just about the physical act, but also about staying emotionally close as a couple.

    It is important to talk openly about sex. The experience of our work at PaarGespräch shows this: Many remain silent out of fear or insecurity. But talking about desires, fears and fantasies can strengthen the bond. This means that sex is an area of the relationship that needs to be nurtured – just like everything else. After all, we also take time to plan our lunch or our vacation – so why not our sex life?

    Exercise: Talk about your sex life

    1. sit down together in peace – take at least 30 minutes in which you will not be disturbed.

    2. everyone speaks in turn – one person starts and tells how he or she is experiencing their current sex life. What is going well? How does the person currently feel about sex as a couple? With monogamy? Where might there be uncertainties? Are there any desires? Or perhaps a long-held fantasy?

    3. the other person listens actively – no interruptions, just listen and try to understand. You are also welcome to take notes so that you don’t forget anything.

    4 Exchange ideas!
    Once you have both been able to make your statements in peace, you can talk together about what you each heard and understood. Did you really understand each other? Are there any ambiguities?

    Only then can you pick out points that you might want to change or what is particularly important to you.

    This exercise can help you to talk about sex in a relaxed atmosphere. It’s about talking to each other openly and without pressure and working on your intimacy together.

    Conclusion

    Sex in long-term relationships does not have to become less important. With a little effort, open discussions and a willingness to try out new things, the sexual connection can remain alive for many years – with the support of PaarGespräch, this exchange can also take place together with our AI therapist.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Trust – but real trust!

    Trust and pseudo-trust: What’s the difference?

    Trust is an important part of our lives. Without trust, relationships and communities cannot function well. But not everything that looks like trust is real trust. Sometimes we deceive ourselves and think we trust, when in reality it’s just “pseudo-trust”. In this article, we take a closer look at what real trust is and what it is not. We refer to two well-known experts: Esther Perel and Rachel Botsman.

    What is trust?

    Trust means that we can rely on someone. It means that we believe the other person will not deliberately hurt or disappoint us. Trust is therefore something very valuable and fragile. Once destroyed, it takes a lot of energy to rebuild it.

    Couples therapist Esther Perel speaks of “first trust”. We often acquire this first trust in childhood when we rely on our parents or caregivers. This trust is the basis for being able to trust other people later on. The German term for this is “Urvertrauen”. This original trust shapes our entire life. Basically, this is a wonderful thing and is the basis for healthy basic assumptions such as “I can rely on others”.

    However, the concept of first trust always presents us with a problem when our partner behaves in a hurtful way. This is when many a relationship partner hits rock bottom.

    What is pseudo-trust?

    The trust we have is not always genuine trust. Sometimes we live our relationships in so-called “pseudo-trust”. We think we trust someone, but in reality we do not. Instead, we assume that the person we are in a relationship with will NEVER hurt us. The psychological background to this may be that we don’t actually feel safe, but simply pretend that everything is fine. Pseudo-trust can arise because we want to avoid conflict or are afraid of being hurt. Esther Perel describes: ” In relationships, trust isn’t a promise to never hurt each other. It’s the risk that we will hurt each other and the confidence that, if we do, we will come together to heal.” This can be translated roughly as follows: “(Genuine) Trust in a relationship does not mean that you promise never to hurt the other person. Rather, it is about being aware that you could hurt each other, but trusting that you will then work together to heal the wounds. ” You can find out exactly what Esther Perel describes here below:

    Trust expert Rachel Botsman has developed an interesting concept for this. She says that real trust consists of small “moments of trust”. This means that real trust is not something that is there all at once and then stays. Rather, it is built up in small steps. Whenever someone shows us that we can trust them, our trust grows. Rachel Botsman emphasizes that real trust is based on honesty and openness.

    The difference between trust and pseudo-trust

    The difference between trust and pseudo-trust lies in how honest and open we really are. With real trust, we feel safe because the other person shows us that they are honest. Pseudo-trust arises when we try to overlook problems or avoid conflicts.

    Trust means:

    – Honesty

    – Security

    – Openness

    means pseudo-trust:

    – Avoidance of conflicts

    – Uncertainty

    – Insincerity

    How can we build real trust?

    To build real trust, we must be willing to be honest, even if it is uncomfortable. It means admitting mistakes to ourselves and others and talking about our feelings. Trust grows when we show each other that we are reliable.

    Trust is not something that is simply there – it is built up step by step. If we repeatedly show each other in small moments that we can rely on each other, real trust grows.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Roles, duties and budget…

    And what about your own needs?

    There are many tasks in a relationship. These include the household, raising the children and your own wishes and needs. To ensure that everyone in the family is happy, it is important to distribute the tasks well. At PaarGespräch, we have made it our mission to work with you on how you can share these tasks fairly. Our therapeutic basis for this is the so-called “differentiation-based” approach:

    What is differentiation-based couples therapy?

    Differentiation-based couples therapy helps couples to remain strong as individuals while they are in a relationship . This means that each partner is allowed to keep their own wants and needs, but is still there for the relationship and the family. It is about the balance between I and We.

    Couples learn how to distribute roles and tasks in such a way that each can fulfill their own needs without neglecting the other.

    The little ones – raising children as a mega construction site

    When couples have children, life changes completely. The question of who takes care of the children becomes important. Traditionally, mothers took more care of the children, but today many couples want to share this task. At PaarGespräch, we emphasize that it is important for both partners to be involved in raising the children. This way, no one feels overwhelmed and the children experience both parents as equal caregivers. It is very important that each parent can contribute their own strengths and skills to the upbringing !

    Here are some specific tips:

    Regular conversations: Sit down together regularly and discuss how things are going with raising the children. Are there areas where one of you is taking on too much? Who can provide more support with certain tasks, such as homework, sports or leisure activities?

    Clear responsibilities: Divide up certain tasks. For example, one of you can take the children to school and the other can pick them up. If you have clear responsibilities, everyone knows what needs to be done.

    Daily or weekly schedule: Draw up a plan in which you write down who is doing what task and when, e.g. bath time, homework supervision or doctor’s appointments. This helps to avoid misunderstandings.

    Split parental leave: Even in difficult situations such as illness or bedtime, it is important that both parents are involved. Agree on how you can take turns to avoid overwork.

    Pay attention to each other: Pay attention to whether one of you feels overloaded. If this is the case, discuss together how the other can help out.

    The little bit of household

    Household chores are another important point in any relationship. Who does the laundry? Who makes the meals? These questions can lead to conflict if they are not discussed.

    PaarGespräch helps couples to divide tasks fairly without one of the partners feeling disadvantaged. It’s not just about splitting the work 50/50, but also about ensuring that the roles are flexible. For example, one partner can do more around the house one day because the other has had a stressful day. It’s important to talk about expectations of each other and make sure everyone can express their needs.

    Concrete tips:

    Joint planning: Make a list of all household tasks (e.g. cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry). Discuss who can take on which task based on your strengths and preferences. If one of you prefers to cook, you might take over the kitchen more often, while the other takes care of the bathroom. Anything is ok as long as it’s ok for both of you!

    Flexible distribution of tasks: Be flexible if one of you can do more or less. If one of you has had a stressful day, the other can take on more household chores and vice versa. It is important that you remain open to change.

    Use technology: Use apps or simple calendars to record tasks. This can help you keep an overview and organize the distribution of tasks fairly.

    Set cleaning and tidying days: You can set fixed days per week or month on which you do the housework together. This way, the work is shared and no one feels solely responsible.

    Step in when needed: If one of you is unable to complete a task, it is important that the other person steps in without discussion. This support strengthens the sense of togetherness.

    Attention: Don’t forget your own needs

    It often happens in a relationship that the partners focus so much on everyday life, the household and the children that they forget their own needs. At Paargespräch, we emphasize how important it is that everyone has time for themselves. Both partners should be allowed to make space for their own hobbies and interests. This is the only way to keep the relationship healthy and both partners happy.

    Differentiation-based couples therapy teaches each partner how to remain true to themselves without hurting the other. It is important to create space for each other without one partner feeling neglected. Both partners should support each other in pursuing their own dreams.

    Concrete tips:

    Create free space: Both partners should consciously take time for themselves. This could mean, for example, that one of them goes to the gym alone for a few hours at the weekend or pursues a hobby while the other looks after the children.

    Schedule personal time: Determine when each of you has time for yourselves. Write these times in a shared calendar to avoid misunderstandings. If everyone knows when the other person needs time for themselves, this can avoid stress.

    Support in realizing goals: If one of you is pursuing personal goals, such as further training or a new hobby, support each other. The other can then take on additional tasks for this time so that everyone can develop further.

    Communicate about needs: Talk openly about what you need. Whether it’s more time for yourselves or more time together – only if you share your wishes can you find solutions that work for both of you.

    Schedule couple time: In addition to your own time, you should also plan time as a couple. Deliberately do something together, without the children or other distractions, to strengthen your bond with each other.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • The 5 languages of love

    How couples can understand each other better

    Everyone shows and feels love in different ways. Sometimes couples have the feeling that they don’t really understand each other, even though they love each other. The reason for this could be that they speak “different languages of love”. This idea comes from Dr. Gary Chapman, an American anthropologist and couples therapist, who discovered five different ways in which people express and receive love. He called these ways the five languages of love.

    The five languages of love

    1. words of appreciation: Some people feel especially loved when they hear compliments or kind words. A simple “I love you” or “Thank you for doing so much for me” can show them how important they are.

    2. togetherness: It is important for others to spend time together . This is not just about being together, but about giving your partner your full attention – without distractions.

    3. gifts: Small gifts or tokens of appreciation can send a strong message. It is not about the value of the gift, but about the fact that you have thought of the other person.

    4. helpfulness: Some people feel loved when their partner helps them in everyday life, be it with the washing up or other tasks. These acts show that you are there for each other.

    5. physical touch: For many, physical closeness – such as sex, hugs, kisses or simply holding hands – is the most important way to feel love.

    How can you discover your partner’s love language?

    Everyone has a preferred love language that means the most to them. If you know your partner’s language, you can show them your love in a way that makes them especially happy. Here’s a simple exercise for you to do as a couple:

    Exercise: Discover your love languages

    1. talk to each other

    Sit down together and read through the five love languages. Think about which language appeals to you the most. Maybe you speak several languages 🙂 What does the other person do that makes you particularly happy? What do you perhaps miss?

    2. share your thoughts

    Talk openly about your favorite love language. It can sound like this: “I feel very loved when you help me because it shows that you’re thinking of me” or “I really appreciate it when we just spend time together.”

    3. try it out

    Over the next week, try to speak each other’s love language. If your partner values togetherness, plan an activity together where you spend time together. If he is happy about words of appreciation, give him a small compliment every day.

    4. reflect at the end of the week

    At the end of the week, sit down together again and talk about how you felt. What did you particularly enjoy? What can you improve on in the future? Give this exercise a try – it could take your relationship to a whole new level!

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • People pleasing

    People Pleasing – Why it harms us to want to please everyone

    People pleasing is a term that describes when someone wants to please everyone. Such people try to fulfill the expectations of others without paying attention to their own needs. They often say “yes” even when they actually mean “no”. At first glance, this seems nice and considerate. But in the long run, this behavior can be unhealthy.

    What is behind People Pleasing?

    There are often deeper fears behind the desire to please everyone. Many people pleasers are afraid of rejection or conflict. They want to be loved and recognized and believe that they can only achieve this if they are always friendly and don’t cause any trouble.

    This behavior can be learned as early as childhood. If we only received praise as children when we were well-behaved and conformed, this pattern can continue into adulthood.

    The consequences of people pleasing

    If we are constantly trying to fulfill the expectations of others, our own needs fall by the wayside.

    This often leads to people pleasers being exhausted or feeling emotionally drained. They do a lot for others, but often don’t get the same recognition in return. In the long term, this can lead to frustration and even depression.

    Another problem is that people pleasers are often not authentic. They pretend to please others and suppress their own desires and opinions. As a result, they feel empty inside or have the feeling that they are not themselves.

    How to recognize people pleasing

    People who often “people please” show typical behaviors:

    1. they say yes to everything – even if they don’t have the time or inclination.

    2. they are afraid of conflict and avoid any confrontation.

    3. they are constantly looking for confirmation and feel bad when they don’t get any.

    4. they put the needs of others before their own and feel guilty when they think about themselves.

    How can you break out of the pattern?

    The first step to overcoming people pleasing is to recognize it in the first place. Many people don’t even realize that they have this pattern because it is completely normal for them. Basically, we should all realize that it’s okay to reject something.

    It is important that we know and respect our own limits. This does not mean that we suddenly become selfish, but that we learn to take good care of ourselves.

    Here are a few tips on how to let go of people pleasing:

    1. set clear boundaries: Think about what you really want and learn to say “no” kindly but firmly.

    2. practise self-care: make sure that you regularly take time for yourself and do things that are good for you.

    3. accept that you can’t please everyone: It’s impossible to please everyone, and that’s okay. You are not responsible for the happiness of others.

    4. learn to deal with conflict: Conflicts are a part of life and it is important not to be afraid of them. They often even lead to better communication and more understanding.

    Conclusion

    People pleasing may seem like a friendly trait at first glance, but in the long run it harms us.

    It is important that we learn to recognize our own needs and not constantly orient ourselves to the expectations of others.

    A healthy level of self-care and setting boundaries helps us to lead a fulfilled and authentic life.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Feel feelings exercise

    An exercise for perceiving and expressing current feelings

    This exercise helps you to feel and understand your feelings better again.

    1. sit down in a quiet place and close your eyes.

    2. take a few minutes to feel into your body. What are you feeling right now? Is there a warmth, a pressure or perhaps a tingling sensation?

    3. think about which feeling matches these physical sensations. Do you feel joy, fear, sadness or anger?

    4. simply notice the feeling without judging it. It’s okay to feel the way you feel right now. If you want, you can express the feeling in some way: You can paint it, make music, describe it. What color is the feeling? If it were an animal, what would it be?

    5. breathe in and out deeply and slowly let go of the feeling. You can imagine how you release it with your breath.

    This exercise helps you to become more aware of your feelings step by step and to accept them.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Personality types

    – What they are and how they fit together

    Every person is different. We have different preferences, strengths and weaknesses. These differences are also known as personality types. Each personality type describes how someone sees, thinks and acts in the world.

    The four dimensions of personality

    There are many theories about personality types, but one of the best known is the model of Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and founder of analytical psychology. This model divides personality into four main dimensions:

    1. extraversion (E) vs. introversion (I)

    This describes whether someone gets their energy from the outside world (E) or from the inner world (I).

    – Extraverts love to be with others and actively experience the world. They feel good when they are the center of attention and experience a lot together. They draw energy from contact with others.

    – Introverts feel comfortable in quiet and solitude. They like to think and often need time for themselves to relax. They draw energy from withdrawing from others and therefore like to take time for themselves.

    2. sensing (S) vs. intuition (N)

    This dimension describes how someone absorbs information.

    – Sensing types focus on facts and details. They pay attention to what they see or hear directly and like to find practical solutions. They like to plan, create lists and work through them systematically.

    – Intuitive people tend to think abstractly and focus on the big picture. They look for patterns and new ideas. Planning is not their thing.

    3. thinking (T) vs. feeling (F)

    This describes how people make decisions .

    – Thinkers (T) use logic and reason to make decisions. They try to be objective and fair.

    – Feelers (F) focus more on their feelings and values. They attach great importance to harmony and ensuring that others are doing well.

    4. judging (J) vs. perceiving (P)

    This dimension shows how people organize their lives.

    – Judging types like it when everything is planned and organized. They feel comfortable when they are in control and things are organized.

    – Perceiving types are more spontaneous and flexible. They like to remain open to new possibilities and postpone decisions in order to have more freedom.

    How personality types fit together

    When two people meet in a relationship, two different personality types usually come together – not every personality type automatically harmonizes with every other. This can be a reason for ongoing conflicts.

    Here are some possible combinations 🙂

    – Extraverted and introverted: These opposites can attract each other, but tension can also arise. Extraverts often want to spend a lot of time with others, while introverts need peace and quiet. If both understand and respect this, they can get along well.

    – Sensing and intuition: These types think differently, which can lead to misunderstandings. Sensing types want clear facts, while intuitives like to talk about possibilities and ideas. It helps if both learn to appreciate the other’s point of view.

    – Thinkers and feelers: Thinkers tend to be factual and direct, while feelers pay attention to emotions and harmony. This combination can work well if both are prepared to respond to each other. Thinkers can learn to be more considerate, while Feelers learn to understand logical arguments better.

    – Judging and Perceiving: Judging types like to make plans, while Perceiving types prefer to be spontaneous. It can be difficult to find a common rhythm here. It helps if Judging types learn to be more flexible and Perceiving types accept that some things need to be planned.

    Conclusion: How personality types influence relationships

    The different personality types bring color but also potential for conflict into our interpersonal relationships. Opposites can attract each other, but they can also be challenging. It is important that we understand what makes us and others tick. Communication and mutual understanding are the key to getting along well.

    There are no “perfect” combinations. Every type can have a beautiful relationship with every other type if both are prepared to show consideration for each other and appreciate each other’s strengths. Differences are not an obstacle, but an opportunity to learn from each other and grow together

    In the following exercise you can get clues about your personality types:

    What personality type are you?

    Answer the following questions honestly. At the end, you will get a tendency as to which personality type you tend to be. Remember that there are no “right” or “wrong” answers – it’s about getting to know yourself better.

    1. where do you get your energy from?

    a) I feel good when I am with lots of people and actively involved in life.

    b) I need peace and quiet and time for myself to recharge my batteries.

    2. how do you deal with information?

    a) I pay attention to facts and details and prefer concrete information.

    b) I like to think about ideas and possibilities and look beyond the obvious.

    3. how do you make decisions?

    a) I use logic and think about what makes the most sense.

    b) I let my feelings and those of others flow into my decisions.

    4 How do you organize your life?

    a) I like to make plans and arrange things in advance.

    b) I like to remain spontaneous and flexible in order to react to new opportunities.

    Evaluation:

    Mostly a)

    You tend to have an extroverted (E), practical (S), thinking (T) and organized (J) personality. You actively approach other people, appreciate it when things are clear and logical, and like it when plans are made. In relationships, you value structure and clear communication. You can sometimes come across as very rational, which can lead to you overlooking your partner’s emotional needs. It can be helpful to leave room for spontaneity from time to time and to be more responsive to others’ feelings.

    Mostly b)

    You tend to have an introverted (I), intuitive (N), feeling (F) and spontaneous (P) personality. You like to think calmly, are open to new ideas and let your feelings guide you. In relationships, you are often empathetic and pay attention to harmony. However, it can be difficult for you to organize yourself or make decisions. Your partner may sometimes find it chaotic if you don’t pay as much attention to plans. Try to find a balance between spontaneity and structure.

    Reference to relationships:

    Depending on which personality type you are, this will influence how you interact with your partner or in friendships. People with a clear sense of organization, for example, can harmonize well with someone who is flexible – if both are willing to learn from each other. Those who are more emotional can help to create more depth and understanding in the relationship, while logical thinkers ensure clear communication.

    In relationships, it is important to recognize and appreciate the differences between personality types. Opposites can complement each other well if both partners are open to accepting the other for who they are.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Beliefs and their origins

    – How they shape our lives and how we can change them

    Beliefs are deeply rooted convictions that we develop in the course of our lives. They influence how we see ourselves and the world around us. You could also say that they are the operating system of our brain; therapists also refer to them as basic assumptions, which form the basis of all our thought constructs like a “thought foundation” .

    Beliefs can support us – or stand in our way. Negative and dysfunctional beliefs in particular have a major influence on our self-image and our relationships.

    Source: flickr.com/ Dennis Skley

    What are beliefs and how do they arise?

    Beliefs are usually formed in childhood and adolescence. They are formed through our experiences, i.e. what our parents, teachers or friends tell us, and through the way we interact with the world. A simple example of a positive belief would be: “I am valuable.” A negative belief could be: “I am not good enough.”

    Our beliefs act like a pair of glasses through which we view the world. For example, if we have internalized the belief “I will always fail”, we will have exactly this expectation in many situations – even if the reality is completely different. Such beliefs can block us and cause us to sabotage ourselves.

    Negative and dysfunctional beliefs

    Dysfunctional beliefs are convictions that limit us in our lives. They can arise from traumatic experiences, criticism or repeated failures. Examples of such beliefs are

    – “I am not worthy of being loved.”

    – “I will always fail.”

    – “Other people are not trustworthy.”

    These beliefs often lead to negative feelings such as fear, guilt or shame. They prevent us from taking on new challenges or having fulfilling relationships.

    How to change beliefs

    Recognizing and changing dysfunctional beliefs is a central component of many therapeutic approaches, such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is about identifying our negative thought patterns and replacing them with positive, more realistic beliefs.

    The first step is to become aware of your beliefs. They are often so deeply rooted in us that we no longer question them. One question you can ask yourself is: “What do I believe about myself in this situation?”

    Once a belief has been identified, it helps to question it. Is it really true that I “always fail”? Can’t I also find situations in which I was successful? By asking ourselves these questions, we loosen the power that these beliefs have over us.

    Exercise for couples: recognizing beliefs in the relationship

    Beliefs play a major role in our relationships. They influence how we perceive and communicate with each other. Based on our operating system, we create a kind of manual for how we see and evaluate ourselves and our partner in relationships.

    The following exercise will help you explore your beliefs and share your common convictions:

    Step 1: Each partner sits down in a quiet place and writes down two or three beliefs they have about relationships in general or about their own partnership. Examples could be:

    – “If I open up, I get hurt.”

    – “My partner should always know how I’m doing without me having to tell them.”

    Step 2: Talk about these beliefs. Make sure you listen without judging. Ask each other: “Where does this belief come from? What could be the origin?”

    Step 3: Consider together whether these beliefs are good for the relationship or whether they are perhaps a hindrance. Are there any beliefs that you would like to change together?

    Step 4: Develop positive, supportive beliefs that you would like to adopt as a couple. Examples could be:

    – “We can both be vulnerable and talk about it.”

    – “I can trust my partner and ask him openly for support.”

    This exercise helps couples to delve deeper into their relationship dynamics and develop beliefs that strengthen trust and closeness.

    Conclusion

    Beliefs shape our lives in many different ways. Dysfunctional beliefs in particular can have a negative impact on our well-being and relationships. However, through conscious reflection and with the help of therapeutic techniques, we can change these beliefs and lead a more fulfilling life. This exercise for couples shows how beliefs also play a role in relationships – and how we can change them for the better together.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team