– How they shape our lives and how we can change them
Beliefs are deeply rooted convictions that we develop in the course of our lives. They influence how we see ourselves and the world around us. You could also say that they are the operating system of our brain; therapists also refer to them as basic assumptions, which form the basis of all our thought constructs like a “thought foundation” .
Beliefs can support us – or stand in our way. Negative and dysfunctional beliefs in particular have a major influence on our self-image and our relationships.
What are beliefs and how do they arise?
Beliefs are usually formed in childhood and adolescence. They are formed through our experiences, i.e. what our parents, teachers or friends tell us, and through the way we interact with the world. A simple example of a positive belief would be: “I am valuable.” A negative belief could be: “I am not good enough.”
Our beliefs act like a pair of glasses through which we view the world. For example, if we have internalized the belief “I will always fail”, we will have exactly this expectation in many situations – even if the reality is completely different. Such beliefs can block us and cause us to sabotage ourselves.
Negative and dysfunctional beliefs
Dysfunctional beliefs are convictions that limit us in our lives. They can arise from traumatic experiences, criticism or repeated failures. Examples of such beliefs are
– “I am not worthy of being loved.”
– “I will always fail.”
– “Other people are not trustworthy.”
These beliefs often lead to negative feelings such as fear, guilt or shame. They prevent us from taking on new challenges or having fulfilling relationships.
How to change beliefs
Recognizing and changing dysfunctional beliefs is a central component of many therapeutic approaches, such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is about identifying our negative thought patterns and replacing them with positive, more realistic beliefs.
The first step is to become aware of your beliefs. They are often so deeply rooted in us that we no longer question them. One question you can ask yourself is: “What do I believe about myself in this situation?”
Once a belief has been identified, it helps to question it. Is it really true that I “always fail”? Can’t I also find situations in which I was successful? By asking ourselves these questions, we loosen the power that these beliefs have over us.
Exercise for couples: recognizing beliefs in the relationship
Beliefs play a major role in our relationships. They influence how we perceive and communicate with each other. Based on our operating system, we create a kind of manual for how we see and evaluate ourselves and our partner in relationships.
The following exercise will help you explore your beliefs and share your common convictions:
Step 1: Each partner sits down in a quiet place and writes down two or three beliefs they have about relationships in general or about their own partnership. Examples could be:
– “If I open up, I get hurt.”
– “My partner should always know how I’m doing without me having to tell them.”
Step 2: Talk about these beliefs. Make sure you listen without judging. Ask each other: “Where does this belief come from? What could be the origin?”
Step 3: Consider together whether these beliefs are good for the relationship or whether they are perhaps a hindrance. Are there any beliefs that you would like to change together?
Step 4: Develop positive, supportive beliefs that you would like to adopt as a couple. Examples could be:
– “We can both be vulnerable and talk about it.”
– “I can trust my partner and ask him openly for support.”
This exercise helps couples to delve deeper into their relationship dynamics and develop beliefs that strengthen trust and closeness.
Conclusion
Beliefs shape our lives in many different ways. Dysfunctional beliefs in particular can have a negative impact on our well-being and relationships. However, through conscious reflection and with the help of therapeutic techniques, we can change these beliefs and lead a more fulfilling life. This exercise for couples shows how beliefs also play a role in relationships – and how we can change them for the better together.
Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?
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All the best from your PaarGespräch team
