PaarGespräch

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  • People pleasing

    People Pleasing – Why it harms us to want to please everyone

    People pleasing is a term that describes when someone wants to please everyone. Such people try to fulfill the expectations of others without paying attention to their own needs. They often say “yes” even when they actually mean “no”. At first glance, this seems nice and considerate. But in the long run, this behavior can be unhealthy.

    What is behind People Pleasing?

    There are often deeper fears behind the desire to please everyone. Many people pleasers are afraid of rejection or conflict. They want to be loved and recognized and believe that they can only achieve this if they are always friendly and don’t cause any trouble.

    This behavior can be learned as early as childhood. If we only received praise as children when we were well-behaved and conformed, this pattern can continue into adulthood.

    The consequences of people pleasing

    If we are constantly trying to fulfill the expectations of others, our own needs fall by the wayside.

    This often leads to people pleasers being exhausted or feeling emotionally drained. They do a lot for others, but often don’t get the same recognition in return. In the long term, this can lead to frustration and even depression.

    Another problem is that people pleasers are often not authentic. They pretend to please others and suppress their own desires and opinions. As a result, they feel empty inside or have the feeling that they are not themselves.

    How to recognize people pleasing

    People who often “people please” show typical behaviors:

    1. they say yes to everything – even if they don’t have the time or inclination.

    2. they are afraid of conflict and avoid any confrontation.

    3. they are constantly looking for confirmation and feel bad when they don’t get any.

    4. they put the needs of others before their own and feel guilty when they think about themselves.

    How can you break out of the pattern?

    The first step to overcoming people pleasing is to recognize it in the first place. Many people don’t even realize that they have this pattern because it is completely normal for them. Basically, we should all realize that it’s okay to reject something.

    It is important that we know and respect our own limits. This does not mean that we suddenly become selfish, but that we learn to take good care of ourselves.

    Here are a few tips on how to let go of people pleasing:

    1. set clear boundaries: Think about what you really want and learn to say “no” kindly but firmly.

    2. practise self-care: make sure that you regularly take time for yourself and do things that are good for you.

    3. accept that you can’t please everyone: It’s impossible to please everyone, and that’s okay. You are not responsible for the happiness of others.

    4. learn to deal with conflict: Conflicts are a part of life and it is important not to be afraid of them. They often even lead to better communication and more understanding.

    Conclusion

    People pleasing may seem like a friendly trait at first glance, but in the long run it harms us.

    It is important that we learn to recognize our own needs and not constantly orient ourselves to the expectations of others.

    A healthy level of self-care and setting boundaries helps us to lead a fulfilled and authentic life.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Feel feelings exercise

    An exercise for perceiving and expressing current feelings

    This exercise helps you to feel and understand your feelings better again.

    1. sit down in a quiet place and close your eyes.

    2. take a few minutes to feel into your body. What are you feeling right now? Is there a warmth, a pressure or perhaps a tingling sensation?

    3. think about which feeling matches these physical sensations. Do you feel joy, fear, sadness or anger?

    4. simply notice the feeling without judging it. It’s okay to feel the way you feel right now. If you want, you can express the feeling in some way: You can paint it, make music, describe it. What color is the feeling? If it were an animal, what would it be?

    5. breathe in and out deeply and slowly let go of the feeling. You can imagine how you release it with your breath.

    This exercise helps you to become more aware of your feelings step by step and to accept them.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Personality types

    – What they are and how they fit together

    Every person is different. We have different preferences, strengths and weaknesses. These differences are also known as personality types. Each personality type describes how someone sees, thinks and acts in the world.

    The four dimensions of personality

    There are many theories about personality types, but one of the best known is the model of Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and founder of analytical psychology. This model divides personality into four main dimensions:

    1. extraversion (E) vs. introversion (I)

    This describes whether someone gets their energy from the outside world (E) or from the inner world (I).

    – Extraverts love to be with others and actively experience the world. They feel good when they are the center of attention and experience a lot together. They draw energy from contact with others.

    – Introverts feel comfortable in quiet and solitude. They like to think and often need time for themselves to relax. They draw energy from withdrawing from others and therefore like to take time for themselves.

    2. sensing (S) vs. intuition (N)

    This dimension describes how someone absorbs information.

    – Sensing types focus on facts and details. They pay attention to what they see or hear directly and like to find practical solutions. They like to plan, create lists and work through them systematically.

    – Intuitive people tend to think abstractly and focus on the big picture. They look for patterns and new ideas. Planning is not their thing.

    3. thinking (T) vs. feeling (F)

    This describes how people make decisions .

    – Thinkers (T) use logic and reason to make decisions. They try to be objective and fair.

    – Feelers (F) focus more on their feelings and values. They attach great importance to harmony and ensuring that others are doing well.

    4. judging (J) vs. perceiving (P)

    This dimension shows how people organize their lives.

    – Judging types like it when everything is planned and organized. They feel comfortable when they are in control and things are organized.

    – Perceiving types are more spontaneous and flexible. They like to remain open to new possibilities and postpone decisions in order to have more freedom.

    How personality types fit together

    When two people meet in a relationship, two different personality types usually come together – not every personality type automatically harmonizes with every other. This can be a reason for ongoing conflicts.

    Here are some possible combinations 🙂

    – Extraverted and introverted: These opposites can attract each other, but tension can also arise. Extraverts often want to spend a lot of time with others, while introverts need peace and quiet. If both understand and respect this, they can get along well.

    – Sensing and intuition: These types think differently, which can lead to misunderstandings. Sensing types want clear facts, while intuitives like to talk about possibilities and ideas. It helps if both learn to appreciate the other’s point of view.

    – Thinkers and feelers: Thinkers tend to be factual and direct, while feelers pay attention to emotions and harmony. This combination can work well if both are prepared to respond to each other. Thinkers can learn to be more considerate, while Feelers learn to understand logical arguments better.

    – Judging and Perceiving: Judging types like to make plans, while Perceiving types prefer to be spontaneous. It can be difficult to find a common rhythm here. It helps if Judging types learn to be more flexible and Perceiving types accept that some things need to be planned.

    Conclusion: How personality types influence relationships

    The different personality types bring color but also potential for conflict into our interpersonal relationships. Opposites can attract each other, but they can also be challenging. It is important that we understand what makes us and others tick. Communication and mutual understanding are the key to getting along well.

    There are no “perfect” combinations. Every type can have a beautiful relationship with every other type if both are prepared to show consideration for each other and appreciate each other’s strengths. Differences are not an obstacle, but an opportunity to learn from each other and grow together

    In the following exercise you can get clues about your personality types:

    What personality type are you?

    Answer the following questions honestly. At the end, you will get a tendency as to which personality type you tend to be. Remember that there are no “right” or “wrong” answers – it’s about getting to know yourself better.

    1. where do you get your energy from?

    a) I feel good when I am with lots of people and actively involved in life.

    b) I need peace and quiet and time for myself to recharge my batteries.

    2. how do you deal with information?

    a) I pay attention to facts and details and prefer concrete information.

    b) I like to think about ideas and possibilities and look beyond the obvious.

    3. how do you make decisions?

    a) I use logic and think about what makes the most sense.

    b) I let my feelings and those of others flow into my decisions.

    4 How do you organize your life?

    a) I like to make plans and arrange things in advance.

    b) I like to remain spontaneous and flexible in order to react to new opportunities.

    Evaluation:

    Mostly a)

    You tend to have an extroverted (E), practical (S), thinking (T) and organized (J) personality. You actively approach other people, appreciate it when things are clear and logical, and like it when plans are made. In relationships, you value structure and clear communication. You can sometimes come across as very rational, which can lead to you overlooking your partner’s emotional needs. It can be helpful to leave room for spontaneity from time to time and to be more responsive to others’ feelings.

    Mostly b)

    You tend to have an introverted (I), intuitive (N), feeling (F) and spontaneous (P) personality. You like to think calmly, are open to new ideas and let your feelings guide you. In relationships, you are often empathetic and pay attention to harmony. However, it can be difficult for you to organize yourself or make decisions. Your partner may sometimes find it chaotic if you don’t pay as much attention to plans. Try to find a balance between spontaneity and structure.

    Reference to relationships:

    Depending on which personality type you are, this will influence how you interact with your partner or in friendships. People with a clear sense of organization, for example, can harmonize well with someone who is flexible – if both are willing to learn from each other. Those who are more emotional can help to create more depth and understanding in the relationship, while logical thinkers ensure clear communication.

    In relationships, it is important to recognize and appreciate the differences between personality types. Opposites can complement each other well if both partners are open to accepting the other for who they are.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Beliefs and their origins

    – How they shape our lives and how we can change them

    Beliefs are deeply rooted convictions that we develop in the course of our lives. They influence how we see ourselves and the world around us. You could also say that they are the operating system of our brain; therapists also refer to them as basic assumptions, which form the basis of all our thought constructs like a “thought foundation” .

    Beliefs can support us – or stand in our way. Negative and dysfunctional beliefs in particular have a major influence on our self-image and our relationships.

    Source: flickr.com/ Dennis Skley

    What are beliefs and how do they arise?

    Beliefs are usually formed in childhood and adolescence. They are formed through our experiences, i.e. what our parents, teachers or friends tell us, and through the way we interact with the world. A simple example of a positive belief would be: “I am valuable.” A negative belief could be: “I am not good enough.”

    Our beliefs act like a pair of glasses through which we view the world. For example, if we have internalized the belief “I will always fail”, we will have exactly this expectation in many situations – even if the reality is completely different. Such beliefs can block us and cause us to sabotage ourselves.

    Negative and dysfunctional beliefs

    Dysfunctional beliefs are convictions that limit us in our lives. They can arise from traumatic experiences, criticism or repeated failures. Examples of such beliefs are

    – “I am not worthy of being loved.”

    – “I will always fail.”

    – “Other people are not trustworthy.”

    These beliefs often lead to negative feelings such as fear, guilt or shame. They prevent us from taking on new challenges or having fulfilling relationships.

    How to change beliefs

    Recognizing and changing dysfunctional beliefs is a central component of many therapeutic approaches, such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is about identifying our negative thought patterns and replacing them with positive, more realistic beliefs.

    The first step is to become aware of your beliefs. They are often so deeply rooted in us that we no longer question them. One question you can ask yourself is: “What do I believe about myself in this situation?”

    Once a belief has been identified, it helps to question it. Is it really true that I “always fail”? Can’t I also find situations in which I was successful? By asking ourselves these questions, we loosen the power that these beliefs have over us.

    Exercise for couples: recognizing beliefs in the relationship

    Beliefs play a major role in our relationships. They influence how we perceive and communicate with each other. Based on our operating system, we create a kind of manual for how we see and evaluate ourselves and our partner in relationships.

    The following exercise will help you explore your beliefs and share your common convictions:

    Step 1: Each partner sits down in a quiet place and writes down two or three beliefs they have about relationships in general or about their own partnership. Examples could be:

    – “If I open up, I get hurt.”

    – “My partner should always know how I’m doing without me having to tell them.”

    Step 2: Talk about these beliefs. Make sure you listen without judging. Ask each other: “Where does this belief come from? What could be the origin?”

    Step 3: Consider together whether these beliefs are good for the relationship or whether they are perhaps a hindrance. Are there any beliefs that you would like to change together?

    Step 4: Develop positive, supportive beliefs that you would like to adopt as a couple. Examples could be:

    – “We can both be vulnerable and talk about it.”

    – “I can trust my partner and ask him openly for support.”

    This exercise helps couples to delve deeper into their relationship dynamics and develop beliefs that strengthen trust and closeness.

    Conclusion

    Beliefs shape our lives in many different ways. Dysfunctional beliefs in particular can have a negative impact on our well-being and relationships. However, through conscious reflection and with the help of therapeutic techniques, we can change these beliefs and lead a more fulfilling life. This exercise for couples shows how beliefs also play a role in relationships – and how we can change them for the better together.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • Imposter syndrome

    When we feel like a fraud

    Have you ever had the feeling that you don’t deserve your success? Or that you will “blow your cover” at some point because others realize that you are not as good as they think you are?

    It is precisely this feeling that describes the Imposter Syndrome. It means that people constantly feel that they are not good enough, despite their obvious successes and abilities. They feel like “imposters” who have not earned their success.

    The negative basic assumptions behind the Imposter Syndrome

    Imposter syndrome is often caused by deeply rooted negative beliefs about oneself. People with this syndrome often have thoughts such as:

    – “I’m not really as good as the others think I am.”

    – “I was just lucky.”

    – “At some point, they realize that I can’t do that much.”

    The role of emotions in Imposter syndrome

    These negative thoughts lead to strong emotions that can put a strain on everyday life:

    – Fear: The fear that others will find out the “truth” about their alleged inability.

    – Shame: They feel ashamed because they think they don’t deserve their success.

    – Stress: They are constantly trying to achieve even more in order to prove to others (and themselves) that they are good enough.

    The connection between Imposter Syndrome and self-esteem

    People who experience Impostor Syndrome often have low self-esteem. They measure their worth by what they achieve and how others see them. But self-worth should not depend on being perfect or meeting all expectations. Our value as a person is independent of external successes. If we strengthen our self-esteem, we can also overcome the negative thoughts of impostor syndrome.

    Tips and exercises to combat imposter syndrome

    1. recognize your successes:

    People with feelings of impostor often tend to minimize their successes. One exercise that can help is to keep a success diary. Write down every day what you have done well. This will help you to better recognize your abilities and achievements.

    2. talk about it:

    It can be very relieving to talk to someone about these feelings. Whether with friends, family or a coach – you often realize that you are not alone. Many successful people have similar doubts. It helps to realize that such thoughts are normal and have nothing to do with reality.

    3. question your negative thoughts:

    The next time you think you’re just lucky or not good enough, ask yourself: Is there any evidence for this? Or is there perhaps much more evidence that you are successful because of your skills? Realize that thoughts are often not true and that you can learn to give them less power.

    4. work on your self-esteem:

    A good exercise for more self-esteem is to say at least three things to yourself every day that you value about yourself – regardless of external successes. For example: “I am empathetic”, “I am a good listener” or “I am courageous”. These qualities make you valuable, not just what you achieve.

    Conclusion

    Imposter syndrome can make life difficult because it plunges us into constant self-doubt and anxiety. But it is important to understand that it has nothing to do with reality, but arises from low self-esteem. If we learn to recognize our successes, talk openly about our feelings and strengthen our self-esteem, we can gradually overcome Imposter Syndrome.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • How do we save your couple conversations?

    The PaarGespräch team attaches great importance to the protection of your privacy. All data is secured with state-of-the-art AES-256 encryption and stored in encrypted form in our database.

    Thus, we follow the ethos of traditional cyber pinoneering – privacy is our greatest asset: we place great value on data protection and reject any form of surveillance. So we have NO ACCESS to your couple conversations – your privacy is 100% protected.

    Side-note: For the interested experts among you: Here is an insight into our database. All questions, answers, diary entries etc. are stored in encrypted form. Even in the event of a hacker attack, they would only see gibberish!

    Here is a screenshot of the database:

    Questions or suggestions? hallo@paar-gespraech.de

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • “Kissing with open eyes” – an exercise for more closeness and intimacy

    Have you ever heard that kissing with your eyes open can be an exciting and intense experience? It may sound unusual at first, because most people automatically close their eyes when kissing.

    Does that sound interesting? Then read on and try it out for yourself!

    Why “kissing with open eyes”?

    David Schnarch is a well-known expert in couples therapy and researches how couples can grow closer together. One of the techniques he recommends is “kissing with your eyes open”. Why? Because it takes courage to look at the other person so directly and show vulnerability. This exercise is challenging because it is unfamiliar – but that is exactly what makes it so powerful.

    By looking into each other’s eyes when we kiss, we learn to be fully present in intimacy. We are not hiding, but really opening up to each other. It is a way of deepening the emotional connection and showing: “I am here, I see you and I let you see me.”

    The instructions: This is how it works!

    **Step 1: Find a quiet moment**

    Find a moment when you are both relaxed and have time for each other. Perhaps an evening for two where you can concentrate on each other. It’s important that you’re not stressed and that you feel comfortable.

    **Step 2: Stand opposite each other**

    Stand in front of your partner and stand comfortably. You can stand close to each other, but make sure that you can look each other in the eye.

    **Step 3: Connect through eye contact**

    Before you kiss, look deeply into each other’s eyes for a few seconds. It may feel a little unfamiliar or even strange at first, but try to embrace the moment. Allow the initial nervousness to dissipate.

    **Step 4: Start kissing each other – with your eyes open**

    Now comes the crucial moment: you start kissing, but keep your eyes open. Try to keep looking into each other’s eyes during the kiss. At first, you may feel the urge to close your eyes – this is completely normal. Notice it and make a conscious decision to keep your eyes open.

    **Step 5: Feel what happens**

    While you are kissing, consciously notice the feelings and thoughts that arise within you. Do you perhaps feel vulnerable or particularly connected

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • “The embrace until relaxation” according to David Schnarch

    The therapeutic exercise “The Embrace to Relaxation” comes from the well-known American psychologist and couples therapist David Schnarch. He developed this method to help couples build a deeper connection with each other and at the same time release emotional blockages. This exercise is simple to do, but has a deep psychological background and can have a powerful effect on the relationship.

    What is the hug to relaxation?

    The exercise itself is simple: a couple hugs each other until both partners relax completely. The embrace should be calm and mindful, without words or other distractions.
    In many relationships, it often happens that partners either seek too much closeness in emotional or stressful situations or withdraw in order to protect themselves. However, both behaviors prevent a deep emotional connection. Embracing to the point of relaxation is one method of correcting this imbalance.

    Why is this exercise effective?

    1. physical closeness without distraction: Most couples are often physically close, but rarely in such a conscious and focused way.

    2. overcoming fear and insecurity: By learning to endure tension instead of reacting immediately, both partners develop more emotional strength and self-confidence in the relationship. This exercise helps to reduce emotional dependency and take more responsibility for your own well-being.

    3. deeper bond: When both partners manage to relax together, the bond between them deepens. This creates a feeling of security and stability that also radiates to other aspects of the relationship.

    How it works:

    Both partners stand upright and hold each other without pressure, but firmly in their arms. The embrace lasts until both partners can relax physically and emotionally.

    Now observe: How are you standing? Are you leaning heavily on each other? What happens when one partner moves and changes position? Is everyone standing on their own with their feet firmly on the ground or are you leaning heavily on each other?

    Conclusion

    “The embrace to relaxation” is a simple but very effective exercise that helps couples to experience emotional and physical closeness in a deeper and more conscious way. It strengthens trust in the relationship and, through reflection, promotes a balance between individual autonomy and shared closeness.

    Would you also like to talk openly with your partner about your wishes and needs and work on your relationship together?

    Then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

  • How is artificial intelligence changing psychotherapeutic care?

    This blog post is based on an article in the magazine “Psychotherapie Aktuell”, issue 3/2024.

    The rapid development of artificial intelligence (AI) is increasingly changing the way in which psychotherapeutic care is provided. This article looks at how AI not only offers potential to improve therapy, but can also enrich the everyday lives of many people in the form of innovative applications such as the intelligent online relationship counselor PaarGespräch.

    To the app prototype

    Potential of the use of AI in psychotherapy

    AI-based systems are opening up new ways to make psychotherapeutic care more effective. These technologies can analyze large amounts of data and thus support therapists in diagnosis and treatment. In addition, AI enables personalized support for patients outside of traditional therapy sessions. Particularly exciting is the development of apps such as PaarGespräch, which act as AI-based relationship counselors and help couples to reflect on and improve their relationships.

    PaarGespräch is an excellent example of how AI-based tools can have a positive impact not only in clinical settings, but also in people’s everyday lives. By analyzing communication patterns and offering tailored advice, the app helps couples to strengthen their relationship and better manage conflicts.

    Risks and challenges

    Despite the numerous advantages, there are also challenges that need to be considered. One key question is how the role of the therapist changes when AI-based systems take over tasks. While apps like PaarGespräch offer valuable support, it is important that they do not replace human interactions, but complement them. Trust and ethics play a crucial role, especially with regard to data protection and the transparency of algorithms.

    Future steps

    Further research and interdisciplinary collaboration are required for the successful integration of AI into psychotherapy and applications such as PaarGespräch. This is the only way to ensure that these technologies are used effectively and ethically responsibly. It is important that such systems are continuously evaluated to ensure their effectiveness and acceptance.

    Conclusion: The future of relationship management with AI

    The integration of AI into psychotherapeutic care offers enormous potential, but it is crucial to carefully weigh up the opportunities and risks. Apps such as PaarGespräch show that AI can provide valuable services not only in therapy, but also in everyday life. They offer couples the opportunity to nurture and improve their relationship in a new way.

    If you are curious about how AI can support your relationship, talk openly about your wishes and needs and work together on your relationship, then get the app now and start today!

    All the best from your PaarGespräch team

    To the app prototype