Trust and pseudo-trust: What’s the difference?
Trust is an important part of our lives. Without trust, relationships and communities cannot function well. But not everything that looks like trust is real trust. Sometimes we deceive ourselves and think we trust, when in reality it’s just “pseudo-trust”. In this article, we take a closer look at what real trust is and what it is not. We refer to two well-known experts: Esther Perel and Rachel Botsman.
What is trust?
Trust means that we can rely on someone. It means that we believe the other person will not deliberately hurt or disappoint us. Trust is therefore something very valuable and fragile. Once destroyed, it takes a lot of energy to rebuild it.
Couples therapist Esther Perel speaks of “first trust”. We often acquire this first trust in childhood when we rely on our parents or caregivers. This trust is the basis for being able to trust other people later on. The German term for this is “Urvertrauen”. This original trust shapes our entire life. Basically, this is a wonderful thing and is the basis for healthy basic assumptions such as “I can rely on others”.
However, the concept of first trust always presents us with a problem when our partner behaves in a hurtful way. This is when many a relationship partner hits rock bottom.
What is pseudo-trust?
The trust we have is not always genuine trust. Sometimes we live our relationships in so-called “pseudo-trust”. We think we trust someone, but in reality we do not. Instead, we assume that the person we are in a relationship with will NEVER hurt us. The psychological background to this may be that we don’t actually feel safe, but simply pretend that everything is fine. Pseudo-trust can arise because we want to avoid conflict or are afraid of being hurt. Esther Perel describes: ” In relationships, trust isn’t a promise to never hurt each other. It’s the risk that we will hurt each other and the confidence that, if we do, we will come together to heal.” This can be translated roughly as follows: “(Genuine) Trust in a relationship does not mean that you promise never to hurt the other person. Rather, it is about being aware that you could hurt each other, but trusting that you will then work together to heal the wounds. ” You can find out exactly what Esther Perel describes here below:
Trust expert Rachel Botsman has developed an interesting concept for this. She says that real trust consists of small “moments of trust”. This means that real trust is not something that is there all at once and then stays. Rather, it is built up in small steps. Whenever someone shows us that we can trust them, our trust grows. Rachel Botsman emphasizes that real trust is based on honesty and openness.
The difference between trust and pseudo-trust
The difference between trust and pseudo-trust lies in how honest and open we really are. With real trust, we feel safe because the other person shows us that they are honest. Pseudo-trust arises when we try to overlook problems or avoid conflicts.
Trust means:
– Honesty
– Security
– Openness
means pseudo-trust:
– Avoidance of conflicts
– Uncertainty
– Insincerity
How can we build real trust?
To build real trust, we must be willing to be honest, even if it is uncomfortable. It means admitting mistakes to ourselves and others and talking about our feelings. Trust grows when we show each other that we are reliable.
Trust is not something that is simply there – it is built up step by step. If we repeatedly show each other in small moments that we can rely on each other, real trust grows.
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All the best from your PaarGespräch team
